Friendships are funny things.
Any relationship has a definition, I suppose, from marriage to partnership to contractual obligation.
Friendship, however, seems to be one of the most tenuously defined.
I've heard it said: "A friend is someone you can depend on 24 hours a day. You can call them up in the middle of the night and they'll come a-runnin'."
That's pretty extreme; I'd say that's a friend you grew up with and have known since grade school type of friend.
I've heard it referred to in more general terms: "A friend is someone you can share things with."
Pretty vague. Junkies share needles. Are THEY friends? Ew.
Then there's the cynical: "A friend betrays you last."
I'm not kidding. I actually heard that one. I'm not entirely certain that person has any friends left.
I lost a friend a while ago. It happens sometimes. However, when I lose a friendship (as opposed to ending a friendship myself) I need closure. I need to know why. I need these questions answered so I can move on.
Now, this recent friendship had been over for a year, and I pretty much knew the whys-- and wasn't interested in debating them. All I cared about was that I had a friend, and then I didn't. But although HE had been clear about ending the friendship, I was not.
So I emailed him and asked him to forgive me. Which he did, but said he was not interested in rekindling the friendship-- and told me to move on. He said "a year is too long to mourn a friendship."
THAT'S what prompted me to write this.
A year is not too long to mourn a friendship if it means something to you. If you really care about the person.
Now, please understand, I am a big SUCK. Friendship MEANS something to me. I'm very emotionally attached to the people in my life.
And let me define something here: The difference, for me, between a FRIEND and and ACQUAINTANCE is this:
The Friend is someone you WANT to go out of your way to spend time with, share your common traits, and remain willing to discover the traits you don't share, simply for interest's sake in this person.
An Acquaintance is someone you know and have things in common with, but for whatever reason aren't driven to seek them out.
So when this Friend told me I'd mourned too long for our friendship and I should move on, I realized that it had NEVER meant as much to him as it meant to me.
And here I realized something else: I don't think friendship means as much to ANY of my friends as it does to me.
I had to end TWO friendships of ten years because I felt abused, and taken for granted-- and it took me months to work up the ability to cut these people out of my life; I don't think they even noticed I was gone.
THAT's pain, by the way.
Other friendships have simply faded; and each one of those was an "ouch," too, because I thought I should work harder to keep them. When I realized I just didn't want to make the effort, in effect demoting these people from Friends to Acquaintainces, I felt I was being unfair to them.
Which is me just being fucked up, but that's how I feel about people. I sometimes still get a pang of guilt that I let the friendship slide, but mostly I'm comfortable with it. People grow in different directions, after all.
But I want it known: Yeah, I care about my friends. I go out on a limb for my friends. And yes, I put up with the girlfriends of my friends for FIVE YEARS, even though I despise them utterly, for my friends.
And if I were being honest? I don't think a single one of them would do the same for me. Is that because I have an overemotional definition of friendship? Do I take it too far? Am I expecting too much in return?
I'm worried, now, that I put too much on my friends and thus might be dooming myself to disappointment because of unreasonable expectations.
To my current friends: This isn't necessarily factually true of all of you. I don't know this for sure. It's just an observation.
Sometimes it seems to me that friendship is an elusive concept when people really think about it. Your definition strikes me as being a reason for friendship rather than the essence of it. Friendship to me is like a nautilus shell. What might start from good fellowship endures conflict, fear of rejection, jealousy...a whole gauntlet of emotional troubles. It also has moments of great happiness and good comradeship. Friends come to value the welfare of one another. They can afford to look foolish before one another. All these things look to strangers like a whole bright arrangement, like an exterior shell, and then strangers don't see all the secret chambers in the interior.
To me, friends are those handful of people who make life bearable.
I don't think I could say it better than Rob did. Although I'm not overly surprised at the reaction of that person, Agent M.
Agent T
Posted by: Agent T on June 4, 2002 10:36 PMTo my way of thinking - friends are people who give a damn about you. There are - what x billions - of people on this planet who I don't talk to, never see, and never interact with. What differentiates those people from the "friends" I never see, never talk to, and never interact with? I'll tell ya - nothing! But there's this *perception* of a friendship there, which I am beginning to conclude is utter crap. Friendships are like plants - if you don't water them, they die. If I hear one more time - "you have friends who care about you" I am going to smack that person right up side the head unless acceptable proof can be offered.
It's a damn good thing that I'm not evil Willow, because no one would have cared enough to stop me from ending the world, as Xander did for her. Yes, I'm bitter. Thank you for asking, 'friend.'
Disclaimer: None of the above rant is directed at Michael. :)
Posted by: Pam on June 5, 2002 10:20 AMI've recently lost one to a girlfriend. I don't feel bad about it as I have thought of that possibility before. There are somethings that you have to accept where time can prepare you for it. Of course there are situations that hits us right in the face that causes a lot of pain. The thing about being friends is that you are able to accept the good and bad part of the person. If not, then I can't really say that one is being a true friend. It would be best to avoid contact than trying to be a friend to someone you don't feel comfortable with.
Posted by: Amy on June 30, 2002 10:11 AMA close friendship is a bond between two people who are willing to accept each other unconditionally. I don't always agree with my Close friends, and if I think it important to my friends well-being, I will express my opinion so they know what I think. But no matter what my close friends decide, they know without reservation that I will be there for them and support them in whatever they decide.
Whenever two people are put together, sooner or later there will inevitably be conflict. True friends know that the conflict is temporary and the friendship will survive, and be stronger for it. True friends never lose faith in the friendship and never even consider that the friendship will not survive conflict.
True friendship is built on two characteristics: trust and respect. Each friend knows that the other can be trusted with the most private thoughts as well as providing guidance and support to help one's friend grow and find their desired destiny. Trust also gives one the knowlege that their friend will stand up for them and protect them and their best interest against any who would challenge their friend. Respect given by a friend makes the recipient feel valued, important, appreciated, and confident. Initial trust breeds respect. Established respect in turn builds the deeper trust needed for the closest of friendships.
The destroyer of close friendships is betrayal, and disloyality. Betrayal is to violate a friend's trust by betraying a confidence, lying, or not following though on commitments and promises. Disloyality is to disrepect a friend either privately or publically... which in turn destroys trust. A strong friendship can survive these, but it takes great love of their friend by the betrayed to be willing to accept the hurt and save the friendship. But such scars never go away and will always hang over the friendship. Trust is earned and when broken, is very hard to rebuild.
I have many friends. I have just a handful of very close friendships of which I value above all other things in my life. They range in timeframes of 45 years to 8+ years. I hope everyone has an opportunity sometime in their life to share such relationships.
As a last thought, marriage should be built on a close friendship, but it often is not... which causes many problems. Actually a close friendship is a relationship very similar to a marriage.. but more wonderful because it is totally voluntary, can be between people of the same sex or different sex, and you can have more than one!
These comments are just my opinion from my life's experience.
I have been grieving over a friendship I had to end about 4 months ago. It was a co-dependent, unhealthy relationship, but this friend meant the world to me--probably meant too much to me. I thought my world was collapsing when I ended the friendship, but I do believe that blessings for her and for me probably will eventually come as a result of ending the relationship. We were possessive of one another, didn't branch out much with other friends, and it began to consume too much of my emotional energy. I was TOO attached and enmeshed with her emotionally.
To go from being soulmates to being friends that keep a healthy distance was too painful, so it seemed best to just end it altogether. The pain was hell, though, and I wish it didn't have to end that way. A counselor and my husband were encouraging me to end the relationship, however, because they didn't feel it was good for me or my marriage to stay in the friendship. Have you ever made someone TOO important to you? To the point that you practically lose your own identity in that person? That's a form of co-dependency. That's how the friendship was for me. And as a consequence, when I ended it, I felt like my life had ended. It's pure hell. I am now trying to find my "own identity" and healthy, beneficial friendships apart from my ex-friend. Also I have to deal with guilt feelings, because I was "the bad guy" who chose to end things. I know she'll never understand why or come to see that it was the best thing (probably for both of us). I wish her nothing but the best in this life. I miss her so much.
Posted by: Leah Ann on August 27, 2002 10:40 AMI can definately relate here. I am in the "debating" phase of ending a friendship of over 15 years. Needless to say, there are a lot of circumstances (most involving money, sadly) surrounding this end of friendship. What's the old proverb here? Take note: "Before lending money to a friend, decide which one is most important to you." And it seems, even more sadly, that one of the quotes in an above post IS true but with a TWIST. No matter which one of us ends the friendship, we will ALWAYS be FRIENDS because, A FRIEND IS THE ONE WHO BETRAYS YOU LAST.
Posted by: Richard on September 17, 2002 11:53 AMFirst i gotta say, I LOVE the Internet. When I did a search trying to find answers on the emotional turmoil I was having regading my friendship being shaky, I never thought I'd actually come up with so many awesome websites and especially THIS page. The insights i've read have been so helpful.
I too have the co-dependency bug. But the good part abouyt is that I recognize it. And I believe knowledge is power. SO I work really ahrd to combat it and not let it dominate my life.
Just like Leah Ann who posted on this list, I put too much emphasis on my friends. I unfortunately know the reason why: I was always a "hermit" growing up and though only had outlets when i went to work or when i was in band, never developed emotional connections with people. I watched the world constantly through the viewpoint of tv. Never really being a participant. Then one day I started a personal project called "Operation: Freedom". I put ads out in the paper and I just attempted to be more outgoing and suddenly in my mid 20's I had friends in my life. I' have been on some amazing adventures, and they all think it's amazing how I've reacted to small things like going to parties or going on trips because it's "natural" things they've all experienced since grade school, but for me it was like living a dream come true.
Most of my adventures and experiences I've gotten out of my system and I feel lots more "caught-up" with people my own age (33). And I realize that having a zillion friends around me is not necessary or somethign I desire. But the friends I do bring into my life, I REALLY bring into my life. I allow mysef, too many times to become passive, show my naive self, and be too much into THEIR life. I've seen friends come and go because I've pushed them away or freaked them out.
I thought I had lucked out by meeting my current "best friend". He is my "co-star" in life. We have the best tiems together and feel very comfortable around each other. But his personality is one that is very dominating, sometimes condescending, doesn't take me as seriously as other people and can be self-indulged at times. I try and share with him that I discerned between my own issues and what I'd liek to share with him about his own personality that may be hurtful to him in life but he has his own personal issues from his past that keep him on the defense whenever I try and share with him my thoughts regarding his "Actions".
I realized that we definitley are very "possesive" of each other and spend shut alot of other people out. We don't try and nurture other friendships and yet we "clash" alot of time because of personalities. The probelm is is that I really feel that HE's the one always throwign stuff at me...as though I'm the trouble maker. He allows stuff to just roll off his back, but the reality is that, I don't think I'm really giving him anything to be irritated about. So it makes ME look like the dramtic one and the one who's so wound up about stuff all the time. I don't know...recently we had a sort of silent disagreement where he threw a tantrum and I just cut him off. We have barely spoken in the last week, and it is justeating me up. I feel as though as much as I've gone through, he doens't deserve the right to end anyting, that it should be ME kicking him to the curb. But in reality, I think maybe I shouldn't be thinking that way at all. I'd like for us to resume but it's hard to think about how things will proceed after so many ups and downs. I wonder if we are capable of being best friends that are not so tightly wound together. I'd like to make it happen.
I do think that a big part of my problem is that I'm not dating anyone and have NEVER been in a relationship (no, not a troll or ugly, in fact I've even doen some modeling) I just have never felt comfortable or even know how to find anyone to date. I think I pour alot of my emotions and energy into him. Not healthy at all...but I feel so destitue...I don't know if this is the end of such a meaningful relationship; am I going to be to blame; can we be close but still have other people in our lives; is all of this healthy or should I just move on and learn from my mistakes.
I know when one door closes, another one opens...but damn if it isn't HELL in the hallway in-between. The feeling of loneliness is unbearabel sometimes and I know I should be thinking about developing my ownself and enjoying life with other friends or even by myself...it's just tough. But you all understand...good luck to you all. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I'mm all "ears".
Posted by: Antonio from Norfolk, Virginia on January 20, 2003 07:30 AMI'm so glad this particular observation has kindled the discussion that it has.
It's not enough to go blindly through life's milestones and just accept that things are the way they are; we need to question the whys and wherefores ESPECIALLY about the people we have in our lives.
Only by so doing can we say we are really LIVING our lives instead of just plodding through them.
M
Posted by: Agent M on January 20, 2003 12:01 PMAll I have read here is very helpful to me. My best friend called me in November at 1030pm to end our friendship. The part that is so difficult for me is that he was seeing a therapist that I introduced him to. I found out the therapist is unethical and I feel has lied to my friend about me causing our friendship to end. My friend and I were looking to build a house together, he owned a piece of my company we were like to light bulbs around each other. We truly cared about each other. He accepted my Christmas gifts two weeks later which makes this that much more difficult to understand. How could a friend end a friendship but accept gifts? Some say he needs time away as he finds himself and will be back time will tell on this after all he is only 24.
Posted by: JN on February 2, 2003 07:33 PMI am of the opinion that most friendships fail because of self interest and greed. Sadly for most people the notion of friendship is built on a basis of 'mutual utility' where by participants in a friendship can see clear benefits to themselves brought about by the expenditure of their emotional or physical resources. When such benefits appear to lessen, friendships seem less worthy of the associated expenditure and effort. Healthy friendships can exist when the benefits we see for ourselves via friendships, come about by giving to the other persons involved. When our happiness is tied to the hapiness of those we call our friends, and we make it our focus to selflessly give of ourselves, then we are far more likely to experience the positives associated with the pursuit of friendships. Be warned however that if our selfless regard for others is not met with a corresponding committment on the part of our friends, then more than likely we will consider the friendship toxic and harmful to our developmental lives. The secret I contend, is in choosing the right friends, people who's character appeals to you and whom have the attributes you consider admirable. Do remember however that no one is perfect. We are all climbing the same mountain, striving to reach the same stars.
Posted by: Dr. Lowse on February 12, 2003 07:02 AMI lost the best friendship that I had for seven years just last week. I knew that things had been getting strange and more tense, but I only wanted to ignore it. I didn't want it to be true. Now, I'm trying to suck it up and finish a very trying semester and school and still deal with my grieving process at the same time. I also have to get out of bed in the morning and go to work for 8 hours a day.
Although I'm really starting to despise my job, I think its a blessing that has kept me from growing insane.
Another friend of mine that I was growing very close to slam dunked me with the fact that he wasn't interested in me. I was only trying to give him space..not keep out of my life forever. He had just lost the best relationship he had ever had and I didn't want to be too clingy. After he revealed this to me, he got sick and almost died. I did everything I could to be there for him and now that he's well again, he wont even speak to me. It hurts so bad!
What have I learned from all of this? Well, If I'm overclingy as with my friend of seven years...I lose. If I give my friend space, I don't see things coming and still...I lose! The lesson here is that no matter what I do, eventually you-know-what is gonna hit the fan and I have to acknowledge the fact that I cannot control the circumstances by my own actions - as much as I would like to think I can!
For as much as I would like to turn my air conditioner on full blast and lay under a down comforter all day, I don't have the time nor the resources to be allowed to grieve and stay in denial about these losses.
God bless and keep all of the lonely and aching hearts out there. Keep the hearts of those who cry daily warm enough to help them realize that when poked, they will still bleed and that being able to bleed is a rite of passage to all of those who live.
Posted by: Wendy on August 5, 2003 06:34 PM
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Posted by: slot on January 29, 2004 10:08 AMMy God, I could have said all of this.
I'm starting to think a friendship has run its course. The hell of it is, the person involved WAS once someone I KNOW would have done anything for me. In fact, I know he still would -- if I picked up the phone right now and said "I'm having kidney failure," he'd leave work, bring me to the hospital, and then drop trou so the doctor could test him to see if I could have one of his. THAT kind of thing I can count on him for, but the little things like, oh, returning my phone calls to ask "so, I haven't heard from you in a while, what are you up to?" Nothing. There are people who are fair-weather friends only -- this guy is a foul-weather friend only.
And yes, people who WOULD do serious stuff for you are rare. But I want an all-weather friend, and he's not one any more, I think. He's an acquaintance. He probably would blame his work if I told him I felt like this. But his work isn't keeping him from other friends.
About that, though. His other friends have cautioned me "oh, that's just the way he is." Which then puts me back in the "do I accept him the way he is" question. And, my answer used to be "yeah, okay, I guess." I think for the first time, my answer has become, "not anymore."
What can I say. I want friends who will see me more than once every three months without my feeling like it takes an act of congress on my part to get everyone in the same room. I've complained about it and I'm being made to feel like I'm being too hard on them. But, no. I can't be.
Hell with them.
Posted by: Kim on April 13, 2004 01:33 PMDoes anyone have friends who rarely initiate phonecalls? With one friend, I feel like I'm the one who is always calling. Often she doesn't enjoy particularly good health but is usually well enough to talk on the phone !!!!! She hasn't called me for about 5 weeks, despite me calling very regularly up until now. I called her last time, the time before that, the time before that and ..... so on. If she does decide to call me, she'll make some comment like "you've been quiet !" I feel like saying "it works both ways you know". I've had a few "Queen - Servant" relationships and I've terminated a few of them over the last couple of years. One lady I was friends with for years, absolutely involved in her life, her family , children, everything. WE had a falling out, and she was extremely rude to me, totally over the top unnecessarily rude.We were screaming at each other ! But I never swore at her like the things she called me. That was a few years ago. It always saddened me about how things ended. Recently I sent her a letter forgiving her, and hopefully her forgiving me. But I told her I'd found closure and I wished her well. I don't care if I get a reply but to me, it's finally been laid to rest. I think I am a loyal friend, thoughtful and loving and caring. But I am no longer a "people pleaser" and won't be manipulated any more. I've spent many years alone without romantic partners whilst watching friends pair off and get married. So I'm used to doing it tough, and now I don't rely on anyone. I have some wonderful dear friends whom I'd run to in the middle of the night. It's just time I got rid of the ones that had run their course. It's all connected with life experiences, and self-esteem. I've been dating men for 20 years and I still haven't found "the one". Sometimes I think I won't, either. But I have learned so much in the 7 years I've been single. I discovered a lot about what I want out of a relationship. Would I let a boyfriend treat me in a certain way? NO! So why would I allow a friend to? Like growth and change, sometimes we split the old skin to grow into the new. I wish most of my "ex friends" well .... but as they say, sometimes we meet people "for a reason or a season" ...
Life should never be stagnant, and we should count our blessings and treasure the dear friends who have remained so over the years. They are like jewels amongst the dirt.