I promised I would, and so I have.
And here it is, my foray into the world of Saturday Morning breakfasts and sweet sugar oblivion: An exposé on Froot Loops.
Why an exposé, you ask? It's a sweet cereal, for god's sake, don't we all crave a little guilty pleasure now and then?
You may not realize just how guilty you should feel over this little pleasure. First, let's look at the marketing campaign we've all grown accustomed to over the years:
"Follow your nose. It always knows."
What other cold cereal, I ask you, markets by sense of smell? Rice Krispies have their snap, crackle and pop -- market by sound -- but smell? Are cereals even SUPPOSED to smell?
| Maybe they should try marketing by taste. Gee, d'you think? Mention is made of the orange, lemon and cherry flavours (remember when those were the ONLY three flavours?) and now of course, berry purple and lime green.
Here's a hint: Maybe if those flavours were actually PRESENT in the cereal there might be a case made for its authenticity. But I challenge anyone out there to close their eyes and put a single Froot Loop in their mouth and try to discern one from the next by taste alone. (Side rant: What IS it with all these foods that say "cherry" or "lemon" flavoured-- I mean, who would actually eat a lemon? And cherry Halls throat lozenges certainly don't taste like a cherry Froot Loop. So could we all first come to a concensus on just exactly what "cherry" is supposed to taste like?) Next is the cereal's mascot. A Toucan named Sam, supposedly of British extraction. What's with that? Arguably, Saturday Morning Cereal culture is a North American thing. Why is some snobby foreigner going to convince us that his cereal is better? Also, now he has three "nephews." Suuuuure they are. We all know he went off "following his nose" on some crazed sugar binge, found himself a hot little Toucan Samantha and got busy. And he was too callous to even NAME the little bastards. They call him "Uncle Toucan" but he just calls them "boys." Probably too full of the ol' Sugar Smack to even remember their names. Of course, he's a bit a Froot Loop himself, if you know what I mean, so it is possible that they really ARE his nephews, and while his parents are praising his siblings for giving them grandchildren, they sit in their British flat bemoaning the lifestyle of their estranged frooty son. And so what exactly IS the message this sends to our sugar-bingeing children? But I digress. Degenerate tropical birds aside, there's a nutrition issue here. Please allow with me to share with you the Mission Statement taken from a box of Froot Loops:  See that? "Dedicated to helping to make your mornings better." Excuse me, Kellogg's, could we get a little MORE vague, please? What exactly is going to make my morning better? An intoxicating whiff of your oh-so-delicately scented cereal? A yummy paroxysm of uniformly-flavoured "O's" on my spoon? Or is it just the happy knowledge that I have bought the cereal of choice for gay Toucan addicts everywhere? Note that it doesn't say "Dedicated to your family's health," or "Dedicated to bringing you a good nutritious breakfast." Wanna know why that is? Have a good look at the ingredients: 
Just look at the first three ingredients: Flour, Sugar, and Coconut Oil. Well, flour's made from wheat, so I guess maybe that counts as part of the Cereals and Grains food group. But sugar and coconut oil? "Brought to you by Kellogg's -- chief among artery-hardening food producers today. Remember, you're never too young to start!" At least they've got natural fruit flavour in there somewhere; my only question is, WHAT fruit exactly is it? Because it sure isn't any Cherry, Lemon or Orange I know.
See that? You've got your Vitamin B12 and your Iron and your Zinc, but most of the actual vitamins and nutrients come from the milk. Good lord, just pretend you're a cat (preferably one who's just swallowed a yappy Toucan) and pour yourself a big bowl of milk-- it'll be just as good for you, minus a couple percentage points of Vitamin B and a sluggish dose of Coconut Oil. You may wonder why I brought this up. Am I mounting a media blitz against Kellogg's, trying to "infect truth" and promote awareness of how this cereal is killing our children spoonful by radioactive spoonful? Hell no. I love Froot Loops. I was just curious how many of us really take a good, hard look at what we've been putting into our bodies along with our Digimon fix every weekend. And now that we know... ...I have a serious craving for a bowl of cereal. Later. Agent M |  |
My Friend Amber, Shell and I discussed the same thing tuesday nite. We all talked about our cereal Loves And Hates.
What Came up tho was 'Froot Loops with Marshmallows'. That is just insane. It's like Capt'n Crunch that turns the milk into butter. It's like Poking a hole in a huge bag of sugar, and opening wide, only to dig into hard candies right after. It's like Haing your cake, and eating pie too. It's... out of hand.
I've been on a crunchie granola kick lately. Tho If I want sugary goodess, I know where it's at. Count Chocula! The Count has touchans for breakfast! ;)
Posted by: Jonnay on November 8, 2002 07:21 PMYou go boyee!
Count Chocula-- and all the monster cereals-- rock.
CEREAL TRIVIA: Who can remember the name of the now-discontinued Monster Cereal that was the closest equivalent of Froot Loops, and what type of monster was on the box?
Posted by: Agent M on November 10, 2002 11:15 AMFruit Brute.
Seriously, at least make it a CHALLENGE! :)
Posted by: Burke on November 11, 2002 02:54 PMOh, also, the monster was a werewolf-type thing with multicolored fur and I believe overalls.
Posted by: Burke on November 11, 2002 03:01 PMSugar cereals... man, those things rip up the roof of my mouth like nobody's business.
Shreddies. Those are the best. You can add damn near anything to 'em.
Posted by: Rook on November 12, 2002 11:50 AMI too am a big fan of Shreddies (and also Weetabix). I don't eat cereal often, about once a year is enough, but when I do I'll binge on one of these. I also remove any healthy benefit by using half and half instead of milk.
Posted by: Quixote on November 12, 2002 07:12 PM
Although he is not 100% correct. Yes, the answer is Fruit Brute. Yes, he is a werewolf. But he himself is a dark brown -- as shown here, click on the image to enlarge -- and his OVERALLS are, in fact, the gayest thing since Catholic Priests and the Swiffer Army commercial.
Good on ya, Agent Burke, for your swift and sure response. I salute you!
Oh-- and this conversation never happened. Agents aren't supposed to be able to say "Fruit Brute" with a straight face.
Posted by: Agent M on November 14, 2002 12:29 PMI only have one thing to say...
"We are the Freakies, we are the Freakies, and this is the Freakies Tree... we never miss a meal, 'cuz we love our cer-e-eal..."
Freakies, baby. None finer. Peace, I'm out.
Brucie
Posted by: Brucie on November 16, 2002 10:48 PMM,
Toucan Sam used to wear a pith helmet...
go ahead... get it out of your system, I'll wait...
dum-da-dum...
dee-dee-dee...
so anyway, it was a pith helmet and he was supposed to be a wayfaring British explorer searching the world for great taste by following his nose.
It must have seemed like a good idea at the time. Colourful bird, colourful cereal. You have to remember that most of the cereal at the time was beige. We all know what happened the last time someone introduced a line of colourful products to a beige market. That's right - The George Forman Grill!! I am sure there are other examples...
As a matter of interest regarding sugar coated cereals, I remember a study done at the University of Calgary that concluded that the average child consumed less sugar from a bowl of Frosted Flakes than Cheerios due to the inordinate amount of sugar kids add to plain cereals.
Turns out that kids added anywhere from a quarter cup to a HALF A CUP of sugar to plain cereals, but rarely if ever added sugar to sugar-coated cereals.
One more thing. The body does not absorb a lot of the vitamins that are present in commercial milk. When the milk is pasteurized, it becomes mostly inert, so they add all those vitamins back in.
Same vitamin compounds that are in most vitamin pills. So some people's body chemistry will absorb more or less than others, and some not at all. The sure way to get all the benefits of milk is to drink unpasteurized milk.
Which is my way of saying that the nutrition chart on the side of the Froot Loops is no guarantee that you are getting anything more than a sugar high, even with the addition of the milk.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
CH
Posted by: The Huggee Returns! on November 20, 2002 11:00 AMHmmm... that was quite a rant over sugar.
Now I wanna slam my face into a bowl and breathe through my ears.
(I'd mention the name of the fictional cereal that line came from... but it's just too gross to speak.)
A.
Posted by: Agent A on November 20, 2002 06:50 PMFor those of you that want to know what Brucie is talking about, go to http://www.freakies.com for the answers. I must have missed this cereal growing up, but yeesh! It's a cult!
Huggee: Thanks for the Toucan Sam remembrance. I DO remember he used to be an explorer. Now he's just a tea-drinkin' cereal-chasin british gay bird.
The amount of sugar kids put on non-sweet cereals has nothing to do with the cereal, it has to do with parental controls-- or lack thereof. Therefore, it's a false statistic to apply to the situation. But I get your drift.
M
Posted by: Agent M on November 29, 2002 02:51 PMOkay man. I have no specific comment on this topic.
Here I'm sitting, surfing the net thinking, "I should see if M&M have had that baby yet." But what I'm looking for is information on Kefir grains. I can't figure out why this page was on my google list about Kefir Grains, but there is was.
We are connected by Fruit Loops, Kefir, thoughts and the sensitivity of Google to my wishes. I need not even query to recieve answers from the Great Google, it simply provides.... ;>
Posted by: Brandi! on March 1, 2003 01:43 AMgood ceral!!!
Posted by: Samantha on September 10, 2003 08:55 PMis there any way to buy freakies ceral in the united states.please email or post any answers
Posted by: tim on December 28, 2003 09:08 PMFroot Loops rule! I'm addicted to cereal! I should know! I eat them pretty much everyday unless I have something better. I'm very healthy too so don't go on saying how it can make you unhealthy! So yeah...
Posted by: Lauren on January 6, 2004 03:42 PMOh Yeah! I absoulutely LOVE Froot Loops! Maybe I'm a little carried away tho'.
Toucan Sam? He is such a cute bird! LOL
Nah, I don't think he's gay, He's just(like all of us)addicted to that cereal. And I don't blame him! It tastes sweet and has a little trace of fruit flavor, and that's how I like it! And don't say his nephews are stupid :( That's kinda mean...
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Posted by: slot on January 29, 2004 10:11 AMHave any of you seen the commercial where "Toucan" gets practically molested by some big alien with alot of tentacles? His kids were watching with such concern. That was truly the funniest thing I ever seen.
Posted by: Tee on February 20, 2004 02:38 PMI have a question for you... i whant to know of what or made the Froot loops and where come the produc that they are made from?
Posted by: Julie on June 3, 2004 10:53 AM