ALL VULCANS ARE BASTARDS

I was inspired by a fellow Agent, Agent ACK, to comment on Vulcans.

Good ol' Agent ACK signed one of his comments on a previous Rant thusly: Agent ACK-- who, thanks to Enterprise, thinks all Vulcans are BASTARDS...but that's ANOTHER blog-discussion.

Yes, yes it is, Agent. THIS blog discussion.

I assume some of you at least are following the latest Star Trek series, Enterprise. If you aren't, what are you doing on this pop-culturally-driven blog?

The thing about Enterprise that I've always liked is that it's dirty Star Trek. You can't just beam things away, run a glow-rod over a guy to heal him, or tap your left nipple to have your ship rain fire down upon those who would oppose you.

Enterprise is scary. Because you don't know if the aliens are good, or nice. You don't know if you'll survive going down to the planet, even if you're NOT wearing a uniform with red piping.

"Don't open the door! Is there even AIR here? You don't know!" --Sam Rockwell as Guy Fleegman, Galaxy Quest.

THAT's what I'm talking about. Yes, yes, I know it's still Star Trek-- but at least there's the illusion that more can go wrong than just the Holodeck taking over the ship.

And one of those things is the supposed "Allies" of our beloved Enterprise crew-- the Vulcans.

T'pol and V'Mir. What are THEY plotting, I wonder?

For a long time now we've known that the Vulcans are closely related to the Romulans, who split off from them to become one of the enemies of the Federation.

However, the Romulans were never to my mind fully realized as villains. They were subtle characters, manipulative, and degenerate in a way the Old Roman Empire was before it fell. I wanted to see more of that, but I guess loud brash blood-wine-swilling Klingons won out over the less sophisticated majority of the Star Trek audience.

However, my taste for politicking, subtle manipulation and out-and-out backstabbing has come to its full bloom in Enterprise's Vulcan characters. Screw the Romulans-- who needs 'em? The "helpful, wise and serene" Vulcans are the real villains of the piece.

Let's review:

The Vulcans, after discovering that Earthlings have discovered Warp technology, have according to the story done their best to retard the freedoms of Starfleet until THEY felt that Starfleet was ready.

Question: Why do Vulcans have any authority on Earth at all? How did THAT happen?

Archer discovers a secret spy installation under a Vulcan monastery, which the Andorians destroy. Archer gets blamed for destroying a precious ancient landmark, and the Vulcans focus on that rather than the fact that they've actually defaulted on a peace treaty between themselves and the Andorians.

Question: Hey, who disciplines the VULCANS when they cut out of line? We here about Archer always being in danger of having the mission cancelled, but what about when it's the Vulcans who are at fault? And is this a REAL snow-vulcan, or a cleverly-disguised spy installation?

And just lately, the Andorians request Archer to help negotiate a peace between them and the Vulcans-- and the Vulcans are all pissed off. Hel-LO? Oh, right-- it's peace on YOUR terms, no one else's, right? Once again, who's watching over these guys?? Klingons, Schmingons-- I'm surprised the Vulcan Star Empire of Logical Rule hasn't been kicking the sector's ass already.

Question: Who watches the point-eared Watchmen?

And finally (although I could go on!): One of their own officers, T'Pol, catches some dreaded Mind Meld Disease and what's their response? To destroy her career and send her back to Vulcan in shame. And you can tell what they greater thread is, here: They're hoping all those telepathic Vulcans will kill each other off and just die, and they'll be rid of the problem. Draconian? OH yeah. But logical, right?

Question: Who's gonna save the Vulcans from themselves?

(Oh, and the Vulcans have the audacity to show up at a planet that Archer is on, possibly in trouble, and brag that their sensors are better than Enterprise's. Once again, Hel-LO? I thought they were SHARING technology with Starfleet! But no, I've got to rein this in.)

I can understand what's pissing off the Vulcans. Archer and his band of ragtag humans who barely comprehend the first thing about DNA sequencing are off making FRIENDS, strengthening their position in the sector, while everybody hates those smug point-eared scum.

It's pretty obvious to me that the Vulcans think they're using Enterprise to explore areas they can't be bothered to, and come to heel when they're told. Before the series is out, we're going to see some fireworks, oh YES we are. Somebody, somewhere with pointed ears is getting pimpslapped. Because they're not going to stop pushing until someone stands up and points the finger and says, loud and clear: "ALL VULCANS ARE BASTARDS!"

And everyone turns around and realizes that it's true. Take that, you point-eared Machiavellis. After all, an ass-kicking when you're a bastard isn't just deserved--

--it's logical.

Posted by Agent M at February 14, 2003 02:34 PM