Someone explain the dating game to me. Explain to me why it STILL EXISTS.
And no, you can't use the old "dating game will be around as long as there are men and women" adage.
We all KNOW about the dating game. We know about the stereotypical male from Grunty McDraggknuckle to Rico Suave, and our poster-girls of womandom, Buffy Airhead-Price and her other extreme counterpart, Floozy McNasty. We read about these people in all our ha-ha weak-ass humour books on the subject of dating and the fundamentally (tragic) comic differences between men and women.
And yet, the cycle goes on. With each new interest sparked between members of the opposite sex, we see the drama unfold:
Our man A sees woman B. He would like to approach her and ask her out.
Does he do this? No. Upon the realization that his interest is piqued and an approach is therefore imminent, he flees to his pack-- his buddies-- and declares his interest in this woman. The pack egg him on, uncorking with their words the hormones that will turn this man into a wolf, a slavering pack animal with one thought on his mind-- how to get little miss Riding Hood over in the corner, there.
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| You may please me. |
Males of the species can and will leave their packs (buddies) behind in favor of a female, but I've never seen nor heard of the reverse. If you were ever in doubt that we live in a matriarchy, there's your proof.
So. We have the male-female dynamic. And we KNOW it exists. And yet no one does anything to break this tradition, despite the amount of time that it wastes. Instead of getting psyched up (or psyched out) by the pack, why is the approach not just done and gotten over with?
"Hi, I'm Jack. I noticed you from across the room. Want to have a drink with me?" (Insert coffee, latte, snack of choice, whole grain flaxseed muffin, whatever is appropriate here.)
No. Instead, we either get the dance-- eye contact across the room, look away, look back to see if they're still looking, talk to buddies, walk to a point away from buddies but still within eyeline, cue the attention-getting behaviour, pause to check reaction, lather, rinse, repeat)-- or we get the direct come-on.
"Hey, you're hot." (or otherwise direct pick-up line, platitude, or boring "safe" direct comment like "come here often?")
The thing about these direct lines is that they're NOT direct. They're someone else's phrases and words, that communicate desire (because, presumably, one's intended is working from the same phrasebook that one is referencing) but do not reveal any actual truth about the person doing the asking.
And why the hell would anyone want to warm up to someone that is approaching them wearing all sorts of social ARMOUR like that?
What it all boils down to, it seems to me, is truth. Truth is the one thing that is NEVER USED to attract a mate. We joke, we show off, we preen, we wear our best clothing (that we don't wear at any other times) and otherwise present an idealized version of ourselves that may or may not have anything to do with who we really are.
I excuse teenagers from this behaviour. Their hormones are erupting, this game is new to them, and so of course they fall back on their animal instincts.
What about those of us that are no longer teenagers?
I have seen friends of mine IN THEIR 30's continue to cavort about playing this ridiculous game. In the case of my single friends, it obviously hasn't worked yet-- why not try a different approach?
I mean, for god's sake, I was at a bar recently and actually saw a woman in her late 20's do the bathroom trick after eyeing one guy all night-- she gathered up her pride of lionesses and, moving as a single entity, they all vanished into the bathroom.
And the guys? Rhubarbrhubarbrhubarb, all went to discussing the girls as soon as they left, as though they were going to divide them equally amongst themselves. Largest portion of the kill to the Alpha male, and the rest catch-as-catch-can to the shyer, lesser males.
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| Are we gonna hunt girls today, Spike? Are we, huh, huh? |
Yeah, I'm married. But I NEVER played the dating game. I was very direct about what I wanted. My instinct was to show off a little bit, but I cut that out ASAP when I realized I wanted my love interest to like me for ME, and not that wacky persona I put on. I was twenty at the time.
So could one of you Agents out there tell me WHY then, after so many years of experience, do people still do that funny little tribal-animal dance with each other? Why not just go out and GET what you want? If you're not compatible with your intended, you'll at least have both saved a lot of time.
Posted by Agent M at August 26, 2003 01:06 PMI dunno. I never dated either. I met my wife on a road trip in a teeny, tiny little car. There was no way to avoid being myself. :-)
Posted by: Rook on August 26, 2003 02:34 PMBecause while it's easy to say "I don't like that rule! I'm not following it! I'm gonna do it THIS way!" when it's just you, when other people are involved in the equation it gets a lot trickier.
If you're going to deviate from the standard dating behaviour, the only way you can hope for it to work is if she is also a, well, a deviant. And a deviant female wouldn't be in the bar with her friends looking to hook up, would she?
I made the decision that any woman for me would have to be compatibly unique, and I'd rather be alone otherwise. So I get to behave exactly the way I would otherwise, freeing me from the Standard Dating Behaviour--but most guys aren't willing to stand out from the crowd like that. (Or they are simply average and don't stand out regardless.) And so they probably SHOULD stay within the accepted program, shouldn't they? That's what it's there for.
Posted by: Mike Rieger on August 26, 2003 02:38 PMWow, you are sure prolific these days, Agent M. Keep it up! (no this is not his wife... smack!)
Speaking as someone who played the dating game quite a bit and have since been very happy with the same person for ten years, I'd have to say that the dating game was fun for me. Marriage is great, but it doesn't diminish the dating aspect that preceded it.
Kind of like how you liked being a teenager, but you wouldn't necessarily want to be one again. Or that Toronto is a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.
If you've never played the dating game, I am not sure I could explain it to you. I really liked it. The skills learned in that game are useful elsewhere, too. There were heartbreaks and disappointments, to be sure, but I value the experiences that accompanied them.
For those who don't like the game, just do as Agent M says and don't play. Be honest and straightforward with everyone and hope for the same from them. You're gonna have to be that way for your marriage to last, so you might just as well get a start on it. You will get burned a few times ('cause there are a lot of pants-on-fire types out there) but eventually it will all work out. People of like mind are usually drawn together.
Goin' to the chapel...
or ring of stones...
or whatever...
CH
Posted by: ch on August 26, 2003 02:42 PMYeah, I'm prolific-- I promised myself that if I thought I really was a writer I would do some WRITING every day. And look! A blog! Right HERE! I could be writing in that.
Writing for other people to see demands a little more attention and focus than just writing for myself where noone will see it.
let's see if I really CAN keep it up.
It becomes more difficult at my age, so I'm told.
A-thenkyew.
M
Posted by: Agent M on August 26, 2003 03:05 PMNever liked the dating game, myself. I'm not good at flirting. I get tongue-tied and embarassed by all the little things you're supposed to say and do.
When I met Robin, it was different. I was happily single after a 3-year dating hiatus. He was dating someone else (a relationship that was doomed from the start, really). We chatted as acquaintances, then got together on our own outside the mutual circle of friends.
The nice thing is that we were friends first. We spent some time to get to know each other on long walks or evenings spent talking in coffee shops or my parents' garage. When we decided to couple up, it just felt natural.
And we're coming up on our 1-year anniversary in September. It feels good.
As for the herd of women moving to the bathroom en masse...it's very simple. It's to ask the others "What do you think? What do you know about him? Should I risk it?" The girls give their ideas on the situation, then the main girl in question either acts on their advice or ignores it completely. At least, that's what I remember from the days when I was dragged off to the bathroom with my friends...
Posted by: Maire on August 26, 2003 05:36 PMHmm... this blog just smacked of a need to comment. I was in the dating game a long long time. I played by the rules in the beginning but it wasn't long before the game got tired and I made up my own rules, in other words ... no rules. I was upfront and honest... I did the prowling that the boys seem to do in the bars. More fun. Gotta admit, bars became really boring after a time and I had met some really good folks and got involved and then met my husband. I sometimes still miss the flirting and getting to know someone new in this atmosphere but I'm very happy where I am and with who I am with.
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