Hi, my name is Agent M and I'm a Pagan.
"Hi, Agent M."
Years ago I might have had more blog entries extolling the virtues of Paganism or at the very least, reporting on my perspective on it. But as I got older, I actually wanted fewer people to know about it. It's a faith, after all, kind of a private thing.
But I need to bring it up again because I just have to talk about this before the pressure of my thoughts causes my eyes to shoot out of their sockets like hamsters propelled by ignited methane. (Don't ask.)
I used to be quite active in the Pagan community. But, like so many other subgroups whose interests I shared and pursued, I began to become increasingly disenchanted, pardon the pun, with the behaviour and mannerisms of the other individuals who shared these interests.
I'm serious about my Paganism. This is part of the reason why I try not to mention it in public anymore. I'm not out for recognition, or conversion of other people (not that I ever was), nor do I feel a need to rebel against any particular oppression that I was subjected to (I never was).
But it sure seemed that everyone ELSE had those issues. "Hi, my name is Raven Moonwing Silverleaf and I'm a WITCH." "Pleased to meet you, Dewy Fluffbunny. Cult deprogramming is to your left."
In fact, it seemed that there were very few actual Pagans in the Pagan community. Just a bunch of Blessed Wanna-be's. So I withdrew. Even my own coven developed its own weirdness problems involving sexual misconduct and freaky University-philosophy rationalizations of weirdness so, y'know, hasta.
Now, eight years later, I'm a father. And my spirituality is important to me, moreso because I want to be a good example to my son. So I thought I should try to reach out again, have a peek at what the community is like NOW, see if it has matured and/or attracted people who are into frank discussion and not "isn't that NEAT?" types of dialogue.
I went to Pagan Pride Day here in town last Saturday. It was like going to a science-fiction convention. People in costumes in robes, most of them black, and then actual GOTHS walking around in leather trenchcoats and pants with their tarted-up deadgoyle girlfriends. Claiming to be DRUIDS for god's sake. (Hey, maybe they were. It's just disappointing to me that an Earth Religion somehow gets mixed up with Goth-- which is a very Industrial, Modern and may I say Fatalistic lifestyle. Sure, The Crow came back from the dead, but was he a DRUID? No.)
But Pagan Pride day was a sort of "bonus" experience; what I was really waiting for was this coffee meet I'd found on meetup.com. A smaller, more intimate gathering of Witches for the very PURPOSE of frank discussion. So, last night, I dragged my mom along and off we went.
(AGENT M's SOCIAL INTERACTION TIP: If you're going on an outing where you don't know anyone and aren't sure you're going to enjoy yourself, take a friend along. That way even if the event is a TOTAL BUST, you'll at least have gone out with a friend, which is always good. And yes, my mother is a friend (and also Pagan-positive. Don't take an incompatible friend to an event you know they'll HATE, Agents.))
We got there and noticed a cliquey group off in the corner right away. Mom and I got our coffees and sat across the room; I planned to observe the group's behaviour before introducing myself. Familiar faces appeared, although they didn't recognize me. I watched some more-- they seemed to be having a good time, but all seemed to know one another and talking about stuff they had all done together previously. Kind of an insular feeling, not a vibe I felt I could (or wanted to) partake in.
Eventually a couple of chairs opened up at their table and we ventured over. I re-introduced myself to the familiar folks (who hadn't seen me since I had my hair down to the MIDDLE OF MY BACK in 1994) and sat down to chat.
They weren't freaks. But, by and large, I realized they weren't what I was looking for-- which was established, certain, and definite in their particular paths in a way that was compatible with what I wanted to discuss.
I also noticed familiar (and unwelcome) patterns: Poor Social Skills (are you people GROWN-UPS or NOT? Speak the hell UP and don't interrupt when someone else is talking), Too Much Information (I don't need to hear about your teenage attempt at wrist-slitting when I've only known you for ten minutes) and Meandering Lack of Self-Interest (if you're not interested in what you're saying, trailing off the end of your sentences, I'm sure as hell not going to be interested in what you have to say.)
All that being said, I wasn't offended, just accepting of my disappointment.
However, ironically it did help me to gel some things in my head. Mainly, that I don't need networking to "solidify" my spirituality; a GROUP is not required for me to "validate" my own thoughts. All that I need is my own dedication, and serious pursuit. There ARE books on the subject, and even the Internet, despite the huge amount of garbage out there.
My spirituality is safe in my own keeping; and no amount of "group discussion" is going to strengthen it. I can do this on my own, and give my son a good perspective on his father's beliefs without having to take him to a convention of oddness to impress them upon him.
It's just a little depressing to me that my faith, which I put such stock in, seems to attract so many broken people. But I've said that before-- and now I see that no one else needs to know my beliefs for them to be valid. Not that they ever did, but sometimes one wants to discuss beliefs with someone with whom one has something in common.
Trouble is, I just realized I don't have that much in common with the community. And I, in the final analysis, am okay with that.
A final thought: On both Pagan Pride day AND the coffee meet, someone who knew me greeted me with this question:
"Are you still married?"
How the hell am I supposed to take THAT? And from where is it motivated? That my wife isn't Pagan? That I'm not the marrying type? That Pagan relationships are all on a time-limit?
What the hell, Pagans, is up with THAT?
Posted by Agent M at September 24, 2003 11:02 AMProbably just meant "I perceive you as being the gayest thing with feet. Have you finally stopped living in denial of this label I have applied to you?"
As you know, I've long believed that faith should be practiced quietly, and alone. And while mine is specifically designed for that kind of behaviour, it applies to any faith. Sure, I realize that a sense of community is necessary--but it's necessary to PEOPLE, not specifically to people's faith.
In fact, if you feel you must join a cult, far better to join a Star Trek or Buffy one. That way, when the inevitable day comes that you outgrow and abandon it, you don't have to abandon (or modify) your core beliefs too.
It's no coincidence that people in cults have no social skills. It's not having social skills on one's own that DRIVES one to need really tight-knit and mutually dependent groups where one can rely on the social skills of others.
Posted by: Mike on September 24, 2003 11:38 AMHeaving a big sigh here. Offering a couple of pats on the arm too. "I know, I know."
How about having a "real" job? Or your own ideas? If I have to go to another geek-freak-pagan meet where everyone ends up saying what I talked about last time, in my words, IN MY EXACT WORDS, with each other I may actually blow apart in a frenzy of dejected horror.
A whole wack of people, so individual, and I, the suit, the one that everyone argues with, the one that is poo-poo'ed for being judgemental, and they actually steal my entire brain and then talk to each other with it. Worse, they don't even know what they are talking about. Once, I thought that I was having conversations with people. Now I realize, that in the geeky-pagan-coffee-swilling-fest I'm not conversing and exchanging ideas. I'm creating converts. Worse, I'm creating converts, who can't reason a raisin out of a piece of toast.
I know why you go back Michael. It is the same reason I do, every couple of years try it out.
I miss the real feelings of enjoying an actual spirtual event together. I miss it all the time. I don't miss the stuff you were talking about. I don't even miss it when I was involved with those somethings. Worst thing about being a risk taker mixed with an individualistic ethos...you try everything at least once. :>
While I in no way think that a singular practice is lesser, there is that thing that you can create with other people that goes beyond yourself more readily. You can feel it in an old church. Or on a site where thousands of people, on their own, have prayed/meditated/whatever. That truly non-corporeal thing that binds us humans (and occasionally, the non-humans) together in purpose. And it is fabulous.
The problem is, when you are a pagan and really believe in doing things in perfect love and perfect trust. When you look around at those people, you know that you do not have those things for some of the people around. More, you know that most of them are lying when they act like they do. I am not so inclusive, or so "everyone-is-wonderful-and-equal" that I will violate my own personal values and ethics simply to get-along.
Want to go trick-or-treating Michael? :>
Posted by: Brandi McDonnell on September 24, 2003 12:36 PMGOD, I love you, Brandi. You renew my faith-- in other pagans. :)
Posted by: Agent M on September 24, 2003 12:41 PMThat's good. I try to renew my faith in myself as a pagan at least every couple of months. Glad to share it. I've kicked around trying out something else, but it just ain't me.
I still lament that you attained sense before me. I put it up to your advantage of a couple of years .
Besides, if I got into the public circle stuff again and brought my girl (or the new one on the way), Sean would probably implode from trying to be supportive while wanting to grab his children and get them away from some of those people. There are people at those things that I wouldn't want to leave my children alone with for even a minute. Kinda ruins the atmosphere, that. :>
Now, if we could only find a couple of other poeple...we'd have a group of people who could never make it to anything because their children are puking up their halloween candy. ;>
Posted by: BrandiMommyGal on September 24, 2003 02:43 PMFrom my personal exposure to pagans, through you and Chelsea, I've come away with the idea that most 'new' pagans try to run before they can walk, or even crawl. Growing up in a religion, when it's taught to you as a child, you learn the ins and outs of the faith over years, decades. Questions are asked and answered, and the knowledge grows and ages with you. It becomes inherent in yourself as you live the faith. Pagans, or new pagans, expect to garner the same knowledge after reading a couple of books and attending a couple of circles. They taste the icing on the cake, and think they've got it down, when they've only scratched the surface. There's a huge difference between knowing about paganism (or any other set of beliefs) and living/being a pagan.
Posted by: Agent Brucie on September 24, 2003 05:33 PMThis is part of the reason why I never really went for group pagan affairs. Even when I'd get a call saying "Michael's having a witchy get-together! You must come because you're a witch!" I was always very reticent about joining.
I've always been solitary. I'd definitely say I'm non-practicing in regards to wicca. If pressed, I describe myself as a garden-variety pagan...primarily because most wiccans I meet around here suck the big one. Fluffbunnies to the max. They don't get together so much to honour the Goddess, but to gossip, eat cheesecake, and talk about how much more EMPOWERED they feel now that they've found wicca.
I've met a few other quiet pagans, and I think that as we've matured, we've developed a more relaxed attitude with our chosen set of beliefs. We don't feel the need to announce to everyone that "I'm a Witch!", and we don't feel the need to dress in weird costumes ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME, and we don't feel the need to convert or teach.
We're also more likely to pick up a book on the subject and READ it, and criticize it, and then pick up another and do the same thing, until we have a couple of shelves full of books on paganism and various other related stuff. Fluffbunnies buy maybe two books, take it as gospel, then proceed to buy all the "trappings" that will make them look more alternative and witchy.
Speaking of that, M, I have a book you might enjoy on Pagan Parenting, if you'd like to borrow it. I've no idea if it's still in print, so I wouldn't mind having it back after you've given it a read (if you wish) ;)
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