Queer Eye For the Straight Guy.
It's going to be an absolute PHENOMENON, I can tell. A reality show on Bravo, it combines Trading Spaces with Martha Stewart with The Bachelor.
Sort of.
Five gay men, each with their own particular expertise-- Food & Wine, Hair, Culture, Interior Decorating, Fashion-- travel to a straight guy's house and give his entire life a makeover.
I can hear sphincters slamming shut even as I type this-- but damn, folks, the show is GOOD. It's fun without being WAY over the top. And, for me, it's inspirational.
These guys are amazing. They have a flair, a panache, and an agenda.
And no, it's not the GAY agenda. That's the most amazing thing about this show: They're not out to turn STRAIGHT men GAY, they're out to clean them the hell up.
Too often, straight guys are Martha'd and Oprah'ed to death and so they run screaming from gentrification fearing that women will turn them into sissies.
Don't ask me how, but for some reason being "spruced up" by another MAN is okay-- even if the man is a self-proclaimed Queer.
Carson, the most over-the-top of the Fab Five, is the faggiest fashioneer to hit the small screen in a long time-- but even his kitschy queerisms work in the context of giving the show's weekly target a fashion makeover that not only looks great, but actually works within the straight guy's motif.
Kyan is all about the hair. And he never goes overboard; never gets chop-happy or streak-crazy; he makes it work. And does it in such a way that a real live person could actually DEAL with it day after day, because let's face it-- men want to just run a comb through it and GO.
Thom is an interior decorator after my own heart; he and I see eye-to-queer-eye on a lot of things. Again, he doesn't tart up some poor schlep's house to 90210 standards; he draws out the guy's personality and reflects it all over the walls. Expressing the guy as he would be if he knew how to express himself in his home, without changing anything about who the guy is. THAT'S talent.
Jai is the Culture Vulture-- he's hip and hot and knows how to set a mood and fit in. Sometimes, the poor straight guy of the week is just plain clueless-- well, there are people to dress you and do your hair, but who's going to tell you what's going ON? That's Jai. And once again, he tailors to the person, not to himself.
Finally, we have Ted-- possibly the straightest Queer guy I've ever seen. He is the food and wine conoisseur. Throw away the fried chicken, guys-- here's how to do quick and easy meals (the Straight Guy's STAPLE) that have a touch of elegance. And yes, you guessed it-- meals that the average Joe could actually MAKE.
The show is involved, taking you from start to finish, slob to superb-- but here's the kicker! The cast sit back and WATCH to see if their expertise has taken hold. From their kicky loft headquarters (designed by Thom himself) they observe the straight subject on their plasma TV and offer comments as he goes through what they've taught him. From his first gallery showing, to trying to get his girlfriend to move in, they tailor their advice to the guy's goal. And they succeed. FABULOUSLY.
The show is rounded out by little tips and tricks from each expert on how you, too, can improve your life in little ways. How to cook fish: Six ounces at ten minutes at four hundred degrees. Works for almost ANY fish you can buy. Quick little tip to make it work. How's that for handy?
Why does this show sing to me? Simple. I am the Queer Eye Guy. While none of my friends would ever accuse me of being butch, yes I'm married to a woman and we're doing fine THANK you-- yet still, I'm the guy with interior decorating tips, fashion accessory and fitting advice, and "for the love of god FIX THAT" grooming notes.
My friend Mike (who I took shopping for leather pants and critiqued as he tried on-- he was doing squats for me to juge the give of the leather by the end) has referred to me as "RENT-A-FAG!" Just dial 22-FLAME and he'll be over in a SWISH!" And it's true. I will reorganize your kitchen. I will clean your bathroom.
In the case of my friend Agent ACK, I helped him and his wife pick out a palette for their new house. I've done it for other friends. Color coordinating, Fashion Do's and Oh-HELL-No's. I'm there. I GET it. And now there's a show all about my life.
"Are you superheroes?" "No ma'am, we're just gay men." Pretty much the story of my existence, except for the fact that I am not, in fact, a practicing homosexual. Not that that ever stopped any straight guy from applying the label to me-- because what straight guy actually LIKES shopping, color palettes and kitchen stores?
There's another effect Queer Eye has wrought in my life: Inspiration. I see the show and I WANT to clean up my house, re-arrange things, and "straighten up" -- pardon the pun-- my wardrobe. I want to get rid of all my schleppy jeans and baggy sweaters and create a frickin' LOOK. Take some friggin' PRIDE in myself. Because, really, that's all the Fab Five want. For the straight guys-- who have too long been socialized to act, dress and eat like cavemen-- to kick it up a notch or ten.
God bless you, Fab Five. I love you. And no, not that way-- but to me, you ARE superheroes. My favorite scene in the opening sequence is when they walk down a black-and-white street, turning it into fabulous colour. Because isn't that what we should all do, every day? Bring the happiness. Bring the zest. Bring the cool!
I predict that, before the show is over, our culture is going to owe a great debt of gratitude to Queer Eye and the Fab Five. And why not? They're making the flat and familiar FABULOUS.
In Calgary, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy airs Saturday at 9:45 and Sunday at 6:00 pm on Bravo.
Posted by Agent M at October 20, 2003 01:27 PMAgent M writes:
> I will clean your bathroom.
Hot damn. Can you clean mine this weekend?
Posted by: Quixote on October 20, 2003 01:35 PMSure. Give me a budget to buy the cleaning stuff I need to clean and properly attire your bathroom, and I will create a beautiful bathroom to you according to the budget you give me.
...and I won't even charge for my time! Whooo hoo!
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 20, 2003 01:49 PMHey! I saw him first!
Posted by: Agent CK on October 20, 2003 01:59 PM>because what straight guy actually LIKES
>shopping, color palettes and kitchen stores?
*CK raises his hand*
>While none of my friends would ever accuse me of
>being butch
...that much is certain...
Oh.. and anyone who writes an article with the word "fabulous" in it more than once is most certainly GAY.
:D
On that note, I'll be sure to watch it next time 'round, especially after this glowing review ;)
ACK!
Note: EVERY SINGLE STRAIGHT GUY in each episode says "fabulous" by the time the Fab Five get done with him.
Hey, give me a budget and I will take at your bathroom and beat it into submission.
One Rule: You and your wife have to get the hell out of the house while I do it. So you won't get chicken feet about the changes I'd make. :)
Actually, I like your guest bathroom a lot-- you have fabulous taste. It's just YOUR closet, ACK, that I'd like to throw out every single stitch of non-work-related clothing you've got, and give you a FASHION MAKEOVER! AW yeah! WHOO!
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 20, 2003 02:07 PMI too just recently started watching this show. I was all set to dismiss it as another 'Trading Spaces' or other vaguely uncomfortable reality series, but the Fab Five really do know their stuff. Their tips and advice do not make the straight guys into something they're not, but instead bring out aspects of their personalities - that is what a good stylist or interior decorator or wardrobe consultant is supposed to do. Even flamey Carson isn't trying to make these guys over into Chelsea-boy clones - he's trying to make them more like themselves. I really like Queer Eye and I've already started using the tips offered on the show, including getting a French Press for making coffee and 'zuzjing' my hair more. :)
Posted by: Burke on October 20, 2003 02:13 PMWell in that case... FABULOUS. :D
See.. I think MA would be terrified at the idea of us leavin' you alone in our house. Me, perhaps... ;)
>I'd like to throw out every single stitch of non-work-related clothing you've got
I have non-work clothing?
Burke (or M)...having not seen the show, I'll ask two things.
One, what is the advantage of a French press, as opposed to just usin' fresh beans and Mr. Coffee? (I know.. I'm a coffee-heathen)
Two, what the hell is 'zuzjing'? And why does it sound sorta dirty? ;)
ACK!
Posted by: Agent CK on October 20, 2003 02:23 PM"Juge" is the french word for "judge." It's pronounced "jhzoojhze," with a soft "g" sound. Like "luge" only with a "j".
When you juge something, you're judging how it looks. Therefore you should always give your hair and teeth a juge or two before leaving the house.
Latest news from Kyan re. Fragrances: Spray, Delay, then Walk Away. (Spray it in the air, wait a beat, then walk through the area you just sprayed.) I'm ALL for subtlety with fragrance, kids...
MA needs to READ THIS! You must GIVE UP your FEAR of color and do something outrageous-- like, just DO something you like. I swear, you and ACK, if you'd just GIVE each other a room. Kitchen, living room, whatever-- just GIVE OVER to each other, there would be such harmony. Me, I'm totally pushing for the yellow kitchen.
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 20, 2003 03:21 PMAgent M,
If ever I can afford to buy a house, I would love to turn you loose on it. I saw James' condo, and that was good. Your condo was also really nice. Your house now is pretty darn nifty. So consider yourself 'retained', if it ever happens. If ever there was anyone who would benefit from the QEfaSG make-over, it's me... heh heh...
Garething
Garething
Posted by: Garething on October 20, 2003 03:59 PMSee... here's part of the issue, M. (And you brought it up.) It's the yellow kitchen idea that is one of my biggest hates. I *TOTALLY* hate "yellow". A soft warm gold might be negotiable... but most yellows I just cannot stand. I cannot begin to tell you how much I despise yellow. I would rather paint the room black with yellow and puce polka-dots then yellow. I'd rather have a forced colonoscopy with a pineapple than paint a room yellow. Get the picture here? Most shades of yellow & CK just don't get along.
And outrageous colors scare us, man! I love what you've done with your current house, but frankly, I would have gone inSANE in your condo... especially in your old studio. :) (I liked the blue in the bedroom though.)
MA *has* given me a room. The computer room. :D I want to do something naval to it. No, not as in navel-gazing... but navAl...as in sea, and ships and portholes and stuff. ;)
In return, she can paint the kitchen any shade of General Paints 8154M she likes.
(Put down the bat, dear... I'm kidding. Really. 'scuse me... gotta go.)
ACK!
Posted by: Agent CK on October 20, 2003 04:14 PMSee, I know you hate the idea of yellow. I just happen to think I know a yellow you'd like. What you consider a "warm gold" may very well be the "yellow" I'm thinking of.
As for the rectal pinappleoscopy, I wouldn't presume to interfere with your "special" weekends.
You're just so STUBBORN that you say "no" without even LOOKING. If I were your wife...oh wait.
We GOTTA get those shirts.
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 20, 2003 04:26 PMHey, if you're looking for someone to do a rectal pineapple colonoscopy on you, my rates are very fair...
The odd thing with me is that I'm finding more and more of my FEMALE friends are asking me for fashion advice/juging. I'm not sure how I should take that...
Posted by: Agent Brucie on October 20, 2003 05:05 PMBrucie, meet Mike of Mikeintosh.net. Mike, meet Brucie. You guys have met over Trivia and Xboxing at my place; but now, you can talk to each other about why chicks, why?
Here's a hint: Mike has done it for girls that are his friends. My opinion, Brucie, is that you do it because you BECOME girls' friends. We've got to look into your situation. You need to be a little meaner or something. Let's juge the testosterone and get you a honey who will want you to rip her clothes OFF, not accessorize them.
Won't you all please give generously to the What Up, Brucie? fund. Together, we can find a solution.
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 20, 2003 05:22 PMHey...I value the opinion of my guy friends when it comes to clothing advice. I used to take both Robin & Mike with me on the rare occasions when I'd go shopping. If either of the menfolk winced, I knew I'd made a mistake. My brother was also not bad at helping me choose clothing...until he moved in with his woman, and she started colouring his judgement on clothing and fashion.
Thing is, guys are better at helping to dress a woman because they look at women critically. Other women look at each other as competition. Unless you're REALLY great friends, you're more likely to get told you look FABULOUS in something utterly horrible then make a fool out of yourself later.
Conversely, have you ever noticed the amount of women outside the mens' changerooms at places like Sears, The Bay, Randy River, and other men's clothing stores? Those are the wives and girlfriends, making sure their men look good in whatever they picked off the rack. The last thing a woman wants to do is send her guy into the mall for a suit and have him come back with a hawaiian shirt instead. :)
Or maybe I just have a FABULOUS fashion sense...
Posted by: Agent Brucie on October 20, 2003 11:30 PM[but now, you can talk to each other about why chicks, why?]
That's easy. Wrong girl.
If you have not yet read Heartless Bitches International, I recommend it for ANY guy who has ever phrased the question "why chicks why?" Read it, and if you find yourself thinking "THAT'S what I'll become to get women" give yourself a good hard slap in the face and read it again. Repeat as necessary. :)
Maire: I did more than wince. I looked up from Maclean's, said "skirt yes, top no"--with the finger point--and went back to the magazine. That was exactly the point when the salesladies stopped thinking what a cute couple we were.
Posted by: Mike on October 21, 2003 12:08 PM