The Lonely are pissing me off.
And no, I don't mean "The Lonely Ones" like some of you gothed-out Vampire-lovers assume I mean. I'm talking about the LITERAL Lonely, the folks that are Desperately Seeking companionship on the Internet...and doing it all wrong.
First of all, if you're desperate, could you at least have the decency to sound desperate? Instead of just telling us what you're looking for and leaving it at that? I mean, you're desperate-- why should your future possible love interest have to do all the work?
And this is what it really boils down to: I know the Internet makes it easier to find a date by blanketing your favourite chatrooms with your physical and sexual statistics and a little blurb about yourself. So of course you're going to post everywhere you can, as often as you can.
But could you PLEASE at least make a modicum of EFFORT in attempting to make yourself sound even REMOTELY attractive?
You lazy bastards. You put down a bare minimum of information about yourself, but are very specific about how this ROBOT of a potential love interest of yours is supposed to act. It's like seeing an ad for "petite women, no one over 120 pounds" and picturing the guy as a 300 pound slob. Oh sure, no problem with HIM being huge, after all, there's more of him to love, right?
It's just so damn one-sided. You losers-- and by losers I mean you have LOST ANY HOPE of ever having a relationship, thus the "lose" part-- just sit there, typing (the BARE MINIMUM of typing!) your wants and letting it loose on the ether, expecting your dream date to squeal with delight at your twelve words or less and email you saying: "You are PERFECT in every way, let's get together and don't keep me waiting a second longer for your hot Llama love!"
...or, y'know, words to that effect.
I'm not actually on the dating scene. Last I checked, I was still happily married. But of course you can't surf anywhere online without bumping over one of The Lonely, adrift like the flotsam they are, in the middle of your cyber-wave.
And I'm offended by them. I'm offended on behalf of the singles out there who are seriously looking to find a compatible mate using the Internet as a tool, and all they find are...well...tools.
"S/W/M 42 Br/Br 285 likes being whipped. You: Blonde, blue, 22, 110 lbs mean leather momma call me NOW."
What the hell is THAT? And that's not even one of the bad ones-- which I won't print here because their "wants" are a little TOO specific-- but where in there is anything that is remotely interesting to the OTHER PERSON? Great, tubbo, I'm glad you know what YOU want but what makes you someone I would bother finding out about?
Crying out LOUD, Lonely. Make some EFFORT. Spruce it UP, it's the INTERNET. TELL about yourself. ELUCIDATE. Give something that someone could actually have an interest in! Don't be such a lazy friggin' slug.
I mean, explain this to me: You're single. You're lonely. And you're not doing EVERYTHING in your power to make yourself attractive? Just a couple of lines on your screen? What's that in aid of? Is it some kind of "placeholder" while you surf for porn?
That must be it. VIRTUAL people are always more sexy than REAL people, right? So you put some half-assed fantasy online just in case you get a nibble, like some lazy mountain man who fishes by tying a bobber to his toe, laying back and snoozing-- while you make up fantasies by searching for your Dream Date on porno sites.
And hey, if an actual REAL PERSON emails you with "u sound grate! letz hook up!" well then, it's win-win, right?
Lazy Bastards, I despise you. I despise that you clutter up the cyberwaves with your hulking, lifeless bodies (lifeless except for your GROINS, it seems) and just expect everything to be done FOR you. I despise that you actually WHINE about being lonely when you make no effort to improve your situation. My greatest consolation is that, over time, your kind will be erased from the genepool since you are, in fact, a social dead end who will never have the opportunity to breed.
Do the species a favor, Lonely. STAY alone. DIE alone. And make more room for the rest of us.
Oh, and for the rest of you out there who are really, honestly TRYING? If you're men, please, for the love of God, read what my friend Mike has to say.
Posted by Agent M at October 22, 2003 11:14 AMWell... for once I'm kind of speechless.
Where on earth did this come from?
More importantly, why do you care?
I ask that as you've been happily married for many moons now. So how do internet singles ads, good or bad, affect you? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you would get so peeved over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. :)
Now, speaking as someone how was once MUCH less confident than he is now, and was once MUCH more lonely...it ain't a fun space to be in. Not at all.
I can identify with The Lonely, as you call them.
At one point, during my lowest moments, I subscribed to a telephone dating service. Horrors!
Telephone dating things aren't much better than the 'net, with the exception that you can HEAR a person. (Let me tell ya now...it doesn't make much difference. In fact, I think it's even worse, as a sexy/attractive voice can raise expectations.)
I was lonely, and YES, I was desperate. I DID have some fun...and I even met a few people. I did, however, have a couple of dates that were quite simply... FROM HELL. (I'll happily tell those stories, as they are rather amusing...one in particular...but another time.)
My problem was that I didn't really go anywhere to meet people. I wasn't into bars (never have been really) ... didn't know any women through friends that I was interested in that way...and I worked odd hours. I didn't know how or where to meet women. And scifi conventions weren't an option, lemme tell ya. ;)
The few times I did meet an interesting woman, and got up the guts to ask her out (no small task at the time!), she was involved or wasn't interested. (Once exception...a really nice girl at my then-workplace I liked a lot. I took her out for a rather expensive dinner (La Caille) as we both LOVED the place at the time. Took her out on one date...never heard from her after that. Bitch. I got used for an expensive dinner. Sheesh.)
I also suffered from a severe lack of self-confidence...which has a HUGE effect as well.
But let me address some of the things you've said that REALLY hit a nerve or two...
>if you're desperate, could you at least have the
>decency to sound desperate
Uh. Okay. Would you like people to post ads that say. "I'm really lonely, and just want to get laid. Call me." That's not as likely to get as many responses as "I'm a hot stud-muffin! You know you WANT to call me." :) Seriously... your statement just strikes me as ridiculous.
An insecure needy ad, be it type-written, voice or whatever, is not going to engender great responses. Ya know?
Did my phone-intro sound "desperate" or "lonely". No. That would be counter-productive. It simply said "Hi, I'm a single white male looking for friendships and possibly more... I'm 5'11 and 220 lbs (back then) and I'm ** years old. I'm looking for someone between the ages of 20-24, who is into.."
I could have just said "Hi. I'm lonely. I'd like to skronk. Call me." But that ain't my style. Not to mention it would have attracted the wrong element. (Which brings to mind a horror story again...shudder) :D
Thank GOD I found a spine. And had the good fortune to then meet a wonderful woman who became my wife. :D
BUT...why should lonely people "have the decency" to come forward and state that they are lonely? Being lonely is not, last time I checked, something one joins a 12-stop group for. (In most cases anyway...although therapy can't be ruled out in a few...smirk.)
>S/W/M 42 Br/Br 285 likes being whipped. You:
>Blonde, blue, 22, 110 lbs mean leather momma
>call me NOW."
Oh my...I can't see that ad getting a great deal of responses. BUT... you never know. Seems pretty straight-forward to me. A little off-center, but straight-forward.
If it even gets ONE response that is even close to a "blonde, blue, 22, 110 lbs", wouldn't that be worth it to that poor, lonely, fat and whip-scarred fellow?
If you don't tell people what you want, you aren't going to GET what you want, right?
That reminds me of a fellow I sort-of knew many years ago. An acquaintance of a friend-of-a-friend. :)
He'd walk up to a HotChick in a bar, and say "Hi! Wanna f**k?"
As you'd suspect, he got slapped. A lot.
However, he also took home more women than many of his friends did. (I'll save any judgements of his "success" stories for myself...heh.)
As a gentleman (oh stop laughing) I found his approach revolting. But I couldn't argue that he found quite a bit of success with this honest, if classless, method. :)
>...and letting it loose on the ether, expecting
>your dream date to squeal with delight at your
>twelve words or less
If someone is so lonely (or lecherous) that they've resorted to internet-dating postings...what have they got to lose by posting an ad? Nothing, except for maybe a few bucks, depending on the service. Here's a hint... back in the day I was using phone dating... services were free.. TO A POINT. Beyond that, one had to pay.
Short ads may be cheaper, again, depending on the service provider. Reading responses may cost money if the ad is free. There may be a limitation as to amount of wording on a free ad, if one is available.
Did you take any of this into account?
Usually, the initial ad states preferences, likes and dislikes, and what one is looking for. Interested parties can further discuss details that you seem to think everyone should post. Non-interested parties can dismiss the ad and move on.
Short ads are usually encouraged by some services, I'd wager.
>Oh, and for the rest of you out there who are
>really, honestly TRYING?
How is putting an ad out there not trying? I was certainly trying with the phone thing. I didn't know how else to proceed.
Now if someone is sitting at home in a black funk, and doing nothing but bitching about humanity, then fine. But we aren't talking about that type of person here. Not that we know anyone like that. ;)
>STAY alone. DIE alone. And make more room for
>the rest of us.
See, now this..my friend...just pisses me off.
Where do you, someone who has been in a happy relationship for so long...someone who had the good fortune to marry his high-school hunny-bun ... get off telling lonely people not to be lonely?
Sorry, but I guess, as a person who was horribly lonely many years ago, this really hit a nerve.
ACK!
Posted by: Agent CK on October 22, 2003 01:14 PM>Well... for once I'm kind of speechless.
In retrospect, I guess I was FAR from speechless. ;)
ACK!
Hee hee. Remember, Michael got married at what? Fourteen? And before that he was gay. (See how I said "before" with a straight face there?) He knows nothing of this world we call dating, and there's been at least one aspect of it that HE thinks is just WRONG, and I've had to explain "no no, it's common practice."
However, I don't think Michael's annoyed THAT people use dating services, more HOW they use them. He's upset that guys don't put any poetry into it, no interest, no panache.
--And thereby he's missing the fact that if these guys had poetry, panache, or interest they probably wouldn't need Internet dating services in the first place. See point one.
Don't you hate when people talk about you in the third person? I sure do. :)
>And before that he was gay.
Speaking as someone who was buddies with AgentM prior to his nuptuals, I beg to differ.
*duck*
>And thereby he's missing the fact that if these
>guys had poetry, panache, or interest they
>probably wouldn't need Internet dating services
>in the first place.
ROFLMAO! Valid point!
Posted by: Agent CK on October 22, 2003 02:03 PM>>And before that he was gay.
>
>Speaking as someone who was buddies with AgentM
>prior to his nuptuals, I beg to differ.
Geez... I *totally* misread that sentence in your message Mike...and attempted to have a little fun at M's expense. Instead, I somehow ended up sticking up for his straightness. LOL!!!!!!! (I thought it said something like "before that he wasn't gay" or something.)
Oops!
ACK!
Eh Mike,
Your shorts riding up? This sounds...bitchy.
s.
Posted by: Sean on October 22, 2003 04:53 PMWell, if you're both quite finished speaking of me in the third person and agreeing with valid points that I haven't actually participated in, would you mind terribly if I got a word in edgewise? Actually speaking for MYSELF?
THANKyewverymuch.
Since Agent ACK obviously got his panties in a bunch over this, let me go over the points that he addresses:
----------
why do you care?I ask that as you've been happily married for many moons now. So how do internet singles ads, good or bad, affect you? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why you would get so peeved over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you.
----------
Two things: One, when I see these trolling messages appearing on discussion groups I subscribe to, it does affect me. Because I have to watch these human train wrecks burble and froth in the cesspit of their own life's filth right in front of me and it disgusts me.
Second: You, yourself, are also happily married now with your past behind you. These issues are no longer relevant to you. So I ask you, in turn, why do you care?
----------
>if you're desperate, could you at least have the
>decency to sound desperate?
Uh. Okay. Would you like people to post ads that say. "I'm really lonely, and just want to get laid. Call me." That's not as likely to get as many responses as "I'm a hot stud-muffin! You know you WANT to call me." :) Seriously... your statement just strikes me as ridiculous.---------
You've missed the very point I was making. Those are the ads they DO post. "I'm a huge loser, email me." My statement was meant as IRONY-- if you're going to post something that makes you LOOK like a loser, why not come right out and make it plain that you ARE? Saves time.
----------
If you don't tell people what you want, you aren't going to GET what you want, right?
----------
Very true. But let me be as plain as I can, since I have obviously failed in the main body of my rant to truly illustrate the depths of which we are talking:
"Anyone know any girls on this list tell them to email me."
THAT is what I'm talking about. Not only does this reversal of human intelligence troll for girls with a seeming abandon for any characteristic other than that it be a girl, but he doesn't even speak TO the girls-- just to the list and says, "Hey, email me." Yeah. Like they'd want to after NO EFFORT like that.
Which answers your other point about length of posting; these aren't singles places I'm talking about. I'm talking about Desperately Seeking Warm Body right in the middle of a totally unrelated discussion. I'm talking about tactlessness. I'm talking about crass acts. I'm talking about a flood of spam-like chum, hoping to bloody the waters enough to get a bite from some sexy shark.
It's DEMEANING to human beings to see this sort of half-assed lameoid attempt to get one's rocks off, apparently at RANDOM.
------------
How is putting an ad out there not trying? I was certainly trying with the phone thing. I didn't know how else to proceed.
------------
Putting an honest to god AD out there IS trying. Posting spam email that doesn't really give anything about yourself other than your fetish isn't. It's not an ad. It's just a spam in which someone else, if their curiousity was piqued, has to do all the WORK.
-------------
Where do you, someone who has been in a happy relationship for so long...someone who had the good fortune to marry his high-school hunny-bun ... get off telling lonely people not to be lonely?
-------------
Thanks for making the statement that pisses me off the most. The only "Fortune" in my relationship was that Marci and I MET in high school. And even THAT was only because her cousin sat behind me in class-- I had to PURSUE her even to MEET her.
Add FIVE MORE YEARS of WORK, serious WORK on the relationship, overcoming obstacles like Religion(!), Politics and worldviews before we actually got married. Don't give me "fortunate." I worked for this relationship. It didn't goddamn fall into my LAP.
And I WAS lonely. But you know what? I went out and DID something about it-- I didn't wait for it to find ME. And that's what THESE people I'm ranting about are doing. WAITING. Just hoping by some MIRACLE someone who shares their kink is searching for them and will do all the WORK. THIS is why I want these people to DIE. Because they're not TRYING. They're just taking advantage of the Net medium the same way that lying naked on the street might take advantage of looking for someone who shares a fetish for nudism. There's no EFFORT. You're just LYING there going "lookit me, I'm naked!"
CHRIST.
----------
Sorry, but I guess, as a person who was horribly lonely many years ago, this really hit a nerve.
----------
And you got up and did something about it. You're married now. You dated. You got OUT THERE. You didn't just LAY THERE like a SCHMO going "will someone who likes Star Trek email me?"
So now that you're married, I reiterate-- "Why do you care anymore?"
Oh, and Mike? It's not about style. It's about being passive and expecting the world to come to you. But thanks for being my third-person mouthpiece, you BASTARD. :)
M
Posted by: Agent M on October 22, 2003 05:27 PMOHHHHHH.
You're mad because guys are doing this ON YOUR NEWSGROUPS. Tony and I thought you were cranked because guys are acting like dicks on DATING SERVICES, to which we quite reasonably asked "so what?"
If they're doing it in places that are not intended for dating, then I can see what you're all up about. But you left that bit out of your initial post, Mister Professional Writer. :)
And that's MAGNIFICENT bastard, to you.
Posted by: Mike on October 22, 2003 06:22 PMHm. Spoke with ACK about this today, and yes-- apparently everyone who read the blog is under the impression that I'm upset about dating services. I don't think it reads that way, but that's not the point-- obviously, I as a writer have failed to make my point.
Conversely, I as a blogger have engendered discussion galore. Awesome.
Let me be specific, then, about what started this rant in the first place: I got an email this morning. Addressed directly to me. Asking if I knew any women taller than 5'5" so I could put them in touch with this guy because he wanted a BABYSITTER taller than he was.
Letter in my inbox. Asking me to pimp for this guy.
Here is the letter, verbatim, cut-and-pasted:
do you know any taall adult baby babysitters am 5-5 so the have to be taller then me and strongeri like to be carried
That's it. That was the ENTIRE body of the email. I didn't put it up on my blog in the first place because I think it's a little too "ewwww" but since I got all this fallout from my obvious inability to make my meaning clear, I thought I would just post this and let you read the rant again.
Someone said to me tonight that the responses I got about this rant are a lot more rational than either the rant or any responses I made in return. To which I say, tiredly, "What the fuck EVER. Like "rational" is an objective term."
I'm thinking of making my rants commentless, now. Except that would be the coward's way out. So I guess what I have to do is just try harder to make myself understood in the midst of my drama.
To my friends who've said that my rants aren't "rants," but "performance art," I ask that you please post what the difference is.
Fuck, I just hate people sometimes. Like I'm supposed to sit there and just take it when they say I shouldn't be judgemental or say mean things because they aren't "rational" or "nice" or what the hell EVER.
Geez. I feel another RANT coming on.
Posted by: Agent M on October 23, 2003 12:00 AMHeh. I need to write an article on how to put together a proper singles ad. Mine worked. I mean, it REALLY worked. I got over 1000 replies in the first 24 hours. I may have had more, but my POS mail server, (which was running on an old 386) hooped over and died at that point.
Fortunately the reply from the lady who is now my wife made it through before the system crashed and the rest is history. :)
Posted by: Sean on October 23, 2003 01:04 AMThe hell with rationality. :) Heh.
All your rant needed was a couple of opening paragraphs that established context. "HERE'S what the hell happened TODAY, Agents." And then once everyone's briefed you can explain why yours are in a twist. You frequently do do that, actually; it's just that deciding to leave the "eww" bits out also left out the context and we were adrift! Adrift in a sea of confusion! Lost and alone and wolves were chasing us.
[To my friends who've said that my rants aren't "rants," but "performance art," I ask that you please post what the difference is.]
Four words baby: Then. Don't. READ. It. You don't need ME to tell you THAT one.
Posted by: Mike on October 23, 2003 09:03 AMI am a big fat loser just like the rest of you all.
Posted by: Rodney on November 13, 2003 12:47 PM