Dictionary.com defines "gossip" as:
1. Rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature.
2. A person who habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
3. Trivial, chatty talk or writing.
4. A close friend or companion.
5. Chiefly British. A godparent.
Well, I'm not British, so I don't have to worry about Number 5. But lately, I have been worried about just when "concern for one's friends" becomes "gossip."
There's been banter-- including but not limited to me personally-- going around lately about the situations that mutual acquaintances have got themselves into. "Oh, that crazy kid," we say. "I've got advice on how to fix that situation."
Yeah, it starts out that way. It's a shared experience, the community's comment on current events that relate to everyone present. It's human. It's natural.
But at what point does it become damaging?
Eventually, all well-meaning discussion of other people becomes gossip. Hell, according to the definition above, it's gossip to begin with. But I'm not one of those people who believes one should never gossip EVER; to me, it's a natural extension of the human group-interactive experience. People love to talk about people.
But lately I've noticed that, suddenly, the talk seems damaging. I'm talking about a friend-- maybe a friend EVERYONE is frustrated with? -- and suddenly the "discussion" becomes a trash-fest. A rant. Like some kind of verbal Mob Rule. And that makes me...uncomfortable, to say the least.
Worst is when I realize that these words are coming out of MY mouth. Sure, I complain and get frustrated with my friends sometimes. But never is it my intention to actually TRASH any of them. And when I realize that comedic, Pressure-Cooker Ranty Michael has become Scathing Murderous Destruction Michael, that I've in fact gone TOO FAR, I feel terrible.
How could I have let it happen? How did chatty gossip become trashy gossip? Some would argue that they're the same thing, varying only by degrees of intensity. And I can't really refute that-- which leads to me being MORE uncomfortable about it.
Because I could never stop doing it. I'm one of those people who finds out EVERYTHING eventually. It just happens. And sometimes, I need to work out how I feel about it. And to DO that, I need another human being to "ping" off of. Usually it's Mrs. M, that steadfast maven of Putting Up With Me. She lets me go off about my frustrations, my what-the-f's, my did-you-notices, and my for-the-love-of-GODs.
Sometimes, though, she has no context for what or who I'm speaking about-- and that's when I have to go outside the safe haven of home to talk to another friend. And at that point, I'm taking the risk of Word Getting Around -- word that was spoken in an unguarded moment. And I can't control how Friend X is going to interpret what I'm saying. Will they think Friend Y is a goof and tell everyone? Because, if I need to talk about what friends have told ME, it's a sure bet that Friend X is going to need to talk about things at some point, too.
You see how it all begins. But where does it stop?
Unfortunately, it's like a sexually transmitted disease. The only sure way to avoid it is to abstain. But my contention is that it simply is not humanly possible to abstain. So how does one minimize potential contagion generated by a momentary lapse in judgement?
Gossip is damaging. Gossip is hurtful. Chatting taken too far becomes gossip.
So where, Agents, is the line? Draw it for me.
Posted by Agent M at November 03, 2003 12:56 PMMy line is when it starts to feel uncomfortable for me,stop talking about it.
Posted by: Your Mom on November 4, 2003 02:14 PMSome things to think about when dealing this subject:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
That's pretty basic. Then you have to ask, did the person who told me this take me into confidence? When people tell me 'secrets', whether about themselves or someone else, if they preface it with "Please don't tell anyone this..." or something along those lines, then I don't tell or talk. If they don't, then I assume then they don't mind if it's common knowledge.
Thirdly, I ask myself, why am I talking about this? If there's a point to the conversation, I.E. you have a mutual friend whose been hitting the sauce hard, and you might be planning an intervention then okay. But if you're simply rehashing comments that have been said and points already made (*cough*bagface*cough*) then really what's the point?
Fourth, if you find yourself really working yourself into a lather about someone, ask yourself "Why do I feel so strongly about this, and if I do, have I brought it up directly to that person?" If it's something that's worked it's way that deeply into your psyche, the endless gossipy rants may be your subconsious' way of dealing with the stress that the situation is creating. It needs to be dealt with head to head, and if you've done so without success of rectifying the situation, then maybe you have to look at changing your relationship with that person.
Lastly, the issue of sensitivity comes up. Especially if you are dealing with ubsubstantiated rumours. For example, if there's a rumour that so-and-so was sexually molested as a youth, but no clear facts are evident, talking and gossiping about it can only cause wild speculation, which usually is ultimately damaging to the subject in question. When nothing good can come of it, then avoid it.
As you probably know, I have issues on both sides of the gossip mill. Being the target, and being a gossiper.
When someone first goes too far when the conversation comes up. That is usually my only clue. When a request to chat about something suddenly requires my defending the person in question. I'll also mentally file this attacking behaviour away so that I know that the person in question may be someone *I* need to be careful of.
I never talk about something that I know for sure that the person in question doesn't want me to talk about (unless there are dire circumstances.)
There is a little problem in that, due to my very extroverted nature, it is always in a person's best interest for them to directly TELL ME not to talk about it - I have common sense but mine may be a little different than yours. I mean, if you just shot-marbles with a cute guy I may chat without realizing that the person doesn't want anyone to know. I'd probably tell everyone if it was me afterall :>
Now, here is the kicker. I don't ever feel bad about discussing something about a person that they themselves, knowingly or unknowingly advertize all the time. I mean, really, is that bad gossip? The guy that always wears a red lacey thong that everyone can see when he bends over - need I say more?
If someone (happens rarely now) approaches me as a counsellor, obviously I don't talk.
Generally, I don't pass along something I hear thirdhand. And I check my "facts." If something someone says sounds out to lunch, I'll ASK the person who was the topic of the conversation. Though, boy, can that get messy.
If I went to far, or realize I probably just end-runned someone I'll tell them right away. Take my licks up front.
If what I'm saying is likely malicious, I don't talk. A caveat to this: unless the person has no redeeming value as a piece of unnecrotized flesh. Then I consider talking about them a public service.
Lastly, if the person is a friend or even an acquaintance that I consider to be a good person, I give them the benefit of assuming that they have reasons for their actions. I try to assume that they are a person doing the very best they can with what they see and believe.
I bet socially introverted people don't need to come up with this many rules on their personal behaviour! ;>
Posted by: BrandiMommyGal on November 5, 2003 09:25 AM