I read this guy's blog the other day. It was an entry detailing his past life at the tender age of twelve, and it was entitled "Thief."
The entry dealt with his childhood phase of stealing, from his dad's wallet and then escalating into shoplifting from a store...then more than one, then more, until finally he got caught.
How did he get caught? He was sloppy because it had all become so easy for him that he just didn't care anymore.
One of the examples of a "job" he pulled had him sitting near the scene of the crime, bald-faced lying to an authority figure, cool as a cucumber.
I came away from reading this entry trembling and wide-eyed.
It freaked me out, Agents. Not because a twelve-year-old was shoplifting. Not because he was lying to an authority figure. But because, as I read his blog, I realized it was EASY FOR HIM TO DO.
No, I'm not going to point you to this blog. And I'm not going to name names here; this was a long time ago and identity is beside the point.
The point to all this is that I can't wrap my mind around the kind of personality it takes to be able to do that. Steal, buck the system, break the rules, whatever-- and have no guilt, no remorse, not even a reddening of the face or a pricking of the thumbs about it.
I was one of those kids who always got caught when he even THOUGHT about breaking the rules. I would get The Guilts even considering taking a caramel from the bulk section of the grocery store. Hell, I had a buddy who was a major geek who could do it and not feel any guilt or remorse-- and he was daring ME. This geek who had no friends was daring ME and I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Why? I believe it's because I'm poisoned by empathy for other people. The very same thing that keeps me from losing my mind when I don't get good service, that keeps me from belligerently demanding what I paid for in hotels or shopping malls, that refreshes my Canadian "I'm-Sorry" supply. Empathy.
I can't NOT put myself in the other person's shoes. I can't NOT consider their feelings. Even if they are, by and large, evil. There's always a little germ of hey-but-what-if-YOU-were-them? Regardless of whether or not they're deserving.
And when I read about this guy, who could shoplift with impunity when he was a kid, and who now is a really good gambler-- does the high roller table in Vegas without breaking a sweat, whereas I would wet my pants after the first hand-- I feel...well, alienated. As though I were, in fact, an alien.
The people who seem to succeed in the world are the people who can shut off whatever valve it is that empathy comes from. Because, to succeed, at some point you have to bull past people's feelings to get the job done.
I can do that a little bit at a time. But I'm not BLITHE about it; I have to work UP to it. And there are people walking around on this planet for whom it doesn't take a second thought. And as someone who has empathy with other people, that really does freak me out.
How many people out there are truly able to not care about the people around them? And I don't mean "care" in a Precious Moments kind of way, I mean "care" as in "aware of the current of emotion around them." I guess probably many, which means I'm definitely in the minority.
Regardless, it still freaks me out. That people can be looking at you while behind their eyes they are lying. Lying about who and what they are, unable or not caring to perceive other people as feeling people; sitting on the streetcorner holding stolen goods and telling The Man "No, I didn't see anything."
I just can't wrap my mind around it. I just can't go there. I read people, I watch them, and I actually SEARCH for commonality between us. It's how I empathize with individuals and groups. Find common ground, build on that. Social Dynamics 101. And to think there are people that would use that to take advantage, and worse yet, be ABLE to with no qualms whatsoever...
...I'm just too freaked out by it all.
Posted by Agent M at November 10, 2003 03:21 PM>The people who seem to succeed in the world are
>the people who can shut off whatever valve it is
>that empathy comes from.
To some degree, I can agree with that statement.
BUT... in reference to the fellow of whom you speak, I do NOT agree. You mention that he kept stealing until he got caught. (And sorry, that is not that uncommon amongst kids.) You also mention that he's a gambler nowadays, and plays for high-stakes.
This doesn't speak to me of someone who can shut off their empathy, or someone who has to "butt past people's feelings" to succeed. This person (based on only those two observations) seems to be a RISK-TAKER, and that is considerably different from someone who manipulates others to attain their goals.
Sure those people exist. The manipulators. In droves. Those who will do anything to get ahead. AgentM and I have known a couple people like that...
But the RISK-TAKERS aren't always in the same group. They too, are able to get ahead in the world, because they are willing to put themselves out there...to take the risk in the hopes of the payoff.
I think there is a rather large difference there.
ACK!
Uh, well since I could quite easily do this it doesn't freak me out at all. As a matter of fact, I'm very very good at it. So I guess I'll explain some things about this sort of person.
Being very good at it is one of the reasons I don't do it. It is way too easy for me to manipulate people this way. It is mental chess. I can anticipate out from the beginning to the end every scenario. With people I know, I can even anticipate their reactions at any given time, and play them up or down or distract them before it comes.
I made a mistake once doing this and while I knew the next step I didn't get to a phone fast enough and the person unravelled a fairly convoluted little game I played on my teacher, my parents and my boss in order to go to an audition. Good for them? Well, actually I sewed it back together again in about 3 minutes. No worse of the wear.
This incident is what caused me to stop doing it. Even I was a little astounded at how EASY it was for me.
The funny thing is, I am very empathetic. My very ability to empathize with people is one of the biggest reasons why I'm so good at it. (The morale of Ender's Game, you have to love the person to truly undo them.)
Agent CK is probably partially right, it is a risk-taking behaviour. The other part is, it takes a lot of mental work everyday to NOT manipulate people if you find it easy. The reason I talk about me and rarely delve into other people in conversations is not because I'm narcistic. I can find out more about a person in 5 minutes than most people can in a lifetime. So I only take what people want to give.
You don't need to be freaked out by this person. Realize that someone like this (or me) doesn't follow the rules/ethics/morals because we *have* to in any way. We do it consciously, conscientiously reviewing each situation and constantly revising the whys based on new information, and the consequences. Everyone manipulates people. Hell, my dear agent, you are FABULOUS at manipulating a crowd.
I would trust this person more than most in most circumstances, if I had a chance to meet them and see if they have any compass at all (are they harmlessly sociopathic -more common than you think- or malignantly sociopathic). After all, at least I could be sure to being manipulated for a clear reason, unlike the most of the populace who do it every minute of the day for reasons totally repressed, for uncertain societal conformity enforcement reasons, or reasons hazy even to themselves.
(Sociopathology - as in the Mental health definition to have a disorder/disease of mind or personality.
Or sociopathy used in context of its' root words, Societal perception whereby the person it question regards society from the stand point of someone involved and yet whose perception significantly different. People with extremely high IQ (top 1 percentile) are often sociopathic in the second sense.
Posted by: Brandi McDonnell on November 12, 2003 01:20 PMI was sitting here thinking that somebody is going to read that who knows me and think, "sure, and that is why you get taken in." :>
It happens at lot less as I get older.
The other reason why you needn't freak out so much. One of the down falls of this mode of thinking is that you tend to think 1. everyone functions this way, whether they realize it or not; 2. Everyone has the same sort of moral compass as you (having it, or lacking it) and; 3. people are as "self-aware" as you.
Even a manipulator likes to think that people are in some way, just like them.
Dealing with people who don't fit these unrealistic categories can leave your brain mush. Dealing with the mindless, or random reasons, or the blantantly-avoiding-dealing-with-reality people can be at first difficult to see and frustrating to deal with after that. The blatanly-avoiding-reality people are the worst, as you can easily misinterpret their avoidance as a form of inverted self-awareness.
You want to protect yourself from a manipulator? Be random. Run towards something, then run away for no reason. Don't have a reason for doing things...not even one underneath it all. And just when they catch on, have reasons for everything. :> You'll drive them to distraction.
Posted by: BrandiMcD on November 12, 2003 03:29 PMI just fail to see how the person you describe is a manipulator and lacks empathy because he stole when he was 12 (AND STOPPED) and currently (occasionally) gambles. Gambling has nothing to do with stomping on people's feelings or not having any empathy.
Agents, I have failed yet again.
Once again I have tried to comment on something that affects me deeply, but because I don't want anyone to think it's been about anyone in particular I have left a lot out of my examples, and muddled the issue.
I have not provided enough context. And, in the face of a continuing friendship, I'm going to just mark this as a failure and close the comments.
I apologize. This is a terrible writer's error I have. I must see what I can do to correct it.
M
Posted by: Agent M on November 12, 2003 08:56 PM