AT A CROSSROADS

The car of Life has once again pulled up to the four-way stop, Agents.

These are the times when one pulls up, looks left, right, or straight ahead, and chooses a direction. It can be a big crossroads, or just a normal everyday intersection. A really hard choice or a no-brainer. A clear-cut destination or a random turn because hey, you're lost anyway.

Right now, as the year comes to a close, I've come to another crossroads in my life, and it concerns the people in it.

Mostly, I've been ruminating on the New Year, and my goals and the direction I want to take in 2004. And that, of course, promotes reflection on 2003 and where I've been-- and, for the purposes of this self-examination, who I've been on the road with.

It came to me the other day that there are people in my life that I don't really want there.

This isn't a "Good GOD why won't they leave me ALONE" or "JEEZ I need to get away from them or gnaw my hand off to do so." This isn't one of those sharp, high-contrast Epiphanies that so often strike my brain. This was just a gradual realization of fact.

If you believe, as I do, that people come into your life for a reason, you must also beware of the caveat: Perhaps they're there only to serve as a cautionary tale. A warning.

No, none of the people I currently know go whoop whoop whoop with the red alert signal when I see them. But I am aware that sometimes, though these people have in fact come into my life through circumstance or coincidence or what-have-you, that it's up to me to get them out-- or move on.

And that's where I'm at lately. There's stuff I'm just not into any more. I want to move forward-- and in fact, HAVE moved forward in many ways-- and I can't just sit there and keep doing the same old same old. Especially when I'm just going through the motions.

How sick, and how lame, is that? Going through the motions? Why in god's name would anyone be "phoning it in" to THEIR OWN LIFE? The only one suffering there is you, Agent, so you'd best wake up and smell the rest of the world going by.

The Geek Social Fallacies thing really hit home to me. I was formed by a culture of acceptance and passive reaction. It took me years to realize that, soft and accepting as it was, it was never going to help me achieve my goals in life, the goals that lay "outside the womb," as it were.

My group of fellow geeks that I hung around with in my teens split into two major groups. I'll call them the "nice" and the "naughty." The "nice" were very kind, thoughtful, easy-going people. And as far as I can tell, to this day they still are. Yes, I'm generalizing.

I wasn't one of them.

I was with the "naughty" group. For whatever reason, we were (it seemed to me) more "worldly," more individual and less in need of the group. This was my first taste of moving on-- our group splintered, as is perfectly natural, and some of us evolved into our next phase and adapted to it.

Others, however, did not. Did not evolve AT ALL. Missed the boat. Didn't cross over. Didn't change. Sat on the bench. Retired early. Pick a phrase, I've got more.

And those are the kind of people I've got to avoid. The kind of people that I cannot-- DARE not-- waste my time with. Because it IS a waste of time.

I'm not talking about old friends that you're comfortable with. I'm talking about people whom, upon due reflection, you realize are not going to go where you're going. Who are not going to be there when you arrive at your destination. And who, horror of horrors, are incapable of perceiving you as anything other than what they pigeonholed you with when they met you.

That last one happens to me a lot, by the way.

And yeah, let's look at the flipside: There may very well be people who are reading this blog right now saying to themselves, "He just described himself. Who does he think he's kidding?" And hey, if you see me as that kind of person then for the love of God, do yourself a favor and get away from me. Quickly. I'm a hazard to your evolution as a person. I'm holding you back. RUN, don't WALK away. Avoid me at all costs.

This whole thing wasn't, as I said above, an Epiphany that struck me like lightning from the sky. There weren't any fireworks or a sympony. There was no "Eureka!". There was no drama. There was just the realization that this is the decision I have made for myself.

I have often fooled myself into thinking true change has to be catastrophic, loud, abrupt or dramatic; perhaps it's because that's the way I clean my house. It isn't CLEAN if I didn't go temporarily insane with the wall-washing and the under-the-couch vacuuming.

But life isn't like that, though-- or rather, it very rarely is. Change can be gradual, and sneak up on you like autumn at the end of August. It can announce itself with a whisper rather than an explosion. And for me, this is as gentle as can be: I have realized that there are people in my life that aren't good for me. No judgements, no recriminations.

These people haven't done anything to me. I'm not mad at them. I have not named them as being directly detrimental-- merely that they are not good for me to be around. (The difference being that "detrimental" involves them being ACTIVE in working to my detriment, which they are not.)

I'm just not That Guy anymore. And when I'm around them, I feel that's all I can be-- and that is patently untrue. I still have, at my tender age of 34, tons of untapped potential. And I want to realize it. I don't want to live a mediocre life. It's got to be onward and upward, and at my own pace. Some of you out there will go faster than I can. Some of you will be slower. But those of you that aren't moving-- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I may (or may not) like you, but I have to let you go.

I wish you well. Wish ME well too, and we'll part happy. And who knows? Maybe we'll meet again in the future. I sure hope to see you there; I can't wait to hear about all the things you've done.

Posted by Agent M at December 15, 2003 11:15 PM