THE MUTANT MAC FACTOR

As much as I love Macintosh, I have noticed a very sinister situation that only seems to happen to Mac dealers.

I'm sure any of you who have shopped for computers have gone into the store, found the computer section, and like as not while browsing have met The Geek. The Geek isn't just a salesman he's...well, he's different. First glance will tell you everything; unkempt hair, ill-fitting clothes (even if it's the store's uniform) and hand-wringing, head-bobbing or other decidedly un-salesmanlike quirky behaviour.

That's because he's not a salesman. He's The Geek. Unlike all those other guys parading through the department, he knows what he's talking about. You just wish it wasn't HIM you had to talk to.

So it goes in computer stores. It's just the way things are.

But in Mac stores it's a little different. A little sinister.

Recently I went shopping for a new Mac and therefore went to every place in town that sells Macs to compare prices, which means I was exposed to this phenomenon at least twice in rapid succession:

Mac dealerships are populated by mutants.

Normal Mutant.

It's not something you'd notice as a pattern right away. I mean, some people have physical quirks, y'know? Doesn't mean it's some kind of conspiracy.

A long time ago there used to be a decent Mac section at the Compusmart near where I live. And they had one Mac Guy-- a version of The Geek who was both competent and knowledgeable about the Macintosh. And I had gone to the store with some questions, and was directed to him.

Yes, he had greasy flat-brushed hair and the eyes of the walking dead, but that's par for either slackers or geekdom, both of which frequently populate big-box computer chains. However, he also had the biggest mole on his face I'd ever seen. (Mole! Moley moley mole! GuacaMOLEY!) Well, no big deal. So he had a mole.

But now, looking back, I realize it was because he was young. The changes were only beginning. Or maybe it was because CompuSmart isn't a totally Mac dealership so he was shielded from the rays or whatever is responsible for this phenomenon.

I went to Mac Store #1 to buy my last computer. I was served by a gentleman with leg braces, whose legs are twisted and so he gets around using crutches strapped to his forearms. He kind of walks like those giant steeds the Gelflings rode in The Dark Crystal. Disconcerting at first glance, but so what?

And the girl behind the desk was overweight. Again, so what?

But then I had a truly bad experience actually GETTING my computer out of them, and the incompetence they displayed and the frustration I had with the situation prompted me to name them Crip and Heifer, a dynamic duo of poor salesmanship and zero follow-through, so confrontationally incompetent I had to give them nicknames. I even made a song about them. Long story short, I vowed never go to back there. This was in 1998.

But recently, I went to Mac Store #2 during my pricing-out foray. There's one salesman available to help me. I'm looking at laptops and he comes up beside me and asks if he can help me. I look up-- and it's all I can do to keep from jumping backwards about two feet.

His eyes are too-too light, and they don't track properly. His face is...is MELTING, is the impression I have, because nothing sits quite right on it. Plus his mouth never quite closed. I had the distinct impression that they had jars in the back labeled "Salesman One" and "Salesman Two" and the mutant beings that owned the store took turns putting the masks on to deal with customers.

I bought my laptop via a third party, my Dad, through his contacts at the University. I never had to venture near the store. But to get a wireless card, I had to go somewhere else as they were out of stock.

Mac Sales Mutant.

So, after six years, I revisited Mac Store #1. Crip is still there, he's the one that gave me a price quote on the whole laptop set-up. (Yeah, I got prices from them even though I said I'd never shop there again. It's all about pricing, y'see.)

But when I walked in, the only salesman is standing with his BACK to me and is watching Bruce Almighty on DVD on one of the demo models. And that's when I saw it:

He had an IMPLANT. A NODE. A BORG DEVICE, grafted into the base of his skull behind his ear. At first I thought: "Another mole?" Until I saw its smooth metallic cylindrical shape like a transistor transmitter of the DEVIL.

I was the only guy in the store, and he didn't turn to acknowledge me. Doubtless he was receiving a download from his Infernal Master and couldn't perceive me. So I tell him I'm looking for a wireless card for my iBook, and he smiles and turns just enough to address -- boing! -- a pear-shaped salesman with fake-black hair and psychotic blue eyes, and tells him that I need a wireless card.

Pear-Shaped Devil's Minion says "We have 30 of them in the back." His eyes watery and gleaming, his golem's grin like a child's punch-bop toy. (Or maybe I'm just projecting my instinct to hit him.)

"I just need the one," I say. Fear. It was beginning to set in.

Pear Golem skipped-- I am not exaggerating-- off to the back to get my card. Devil Borg had returned to his movie, mesmerized.

It's not so much that he was a cybernetic tool of evil. It's that he had poor salesmanship, you understand. Sure you do.

Pear Golem returned and rang up my purchase. Grinning he handed it to me. Smiling as porcelainly as I could, I thanked him for my purchase and left the store, walking. Running would only betray my fear and excite them-- possibly incite them to charge the fence or summon more Borg Devils.

I got home with my wireless card, which works fine, and reflected in terror on this phenomenon. Mac Dealerships must, for some reason, be workplaces of the damned. Or Steve Jobs is performing redesign innovations on HUMANS and hasn't got it right yet.

Well, until Guy 2.0 is perfected, maybe you'll want to be careful about staying too long in any Mac sales environment. Or you, too, could wind up a mutant.

Posted by Agent M at March 09, 2004 10:56 AM