Son

Needless to say I am very upset by this one!!!

Lets talk, or better yet let me talk and you listen. How about tonight over coffee.

Uh, how about a big NO on that one, Mom.

Please consider the fact that I have done this in the past, running from circumstances to a whole different lifestyle as a major change just to get myself out of a rut. It isn't worth it. It can be a demoralizing thing to do to yourself and to the people you leave behind.

No one who relies on you for humor and support deserves that, I am afraid, and depending on the duration of your self-imposed exile there may be no going back.

I left Calgary twice, and in the interim things changed so much that I had no idea who people were anymore because what to them took ten months was a sudden and abrupt change for me. Relationships that crumbled or marraiges which exploded leaving a collection of friendships shattered and feuding where there used to be a modicrum of civility is not something anyone should have to see.

And consider what you really want for your child? You should want to record and memorize every single birthday, every single bruised knee or highschool crush. The urge to run away from something you don't understand or comprehend is one of the first instincts, but so is the realization many years later that you weren't there for them if you did take that route.

In those cases you can never go back. Or it is damn hard to even consider doing it.

And if someting were to happen to your wife, go on with your own life in her memory. It may or not fit in with your own beliefs, but holding a moment of life inside your heart for someone who is no longer there to share it is just as important as sharing it with that person when they were alive.

Mortality and inevitability is never something easy to talk about or something comfortable to plan for. That doesn't mean you should avoid doing it. My family is in the process of organizing things for my father right now, and it is a real eye opener as to how much it means to everyone when it is finally done. If you are feeling a sudden urge to wonder about these things, take the time to organize some part of what would be needed if it were to happen. A will, a testament, or a letter for your baby when they turn sixteen. Even an "I love you" note for your wife to find should something sudden and unforseeable happen to you, first.

I hate to sound preachy about things like this, but your comments have caused a rather severe lack of sleep over the past few days (not your fault. My fault for letting it get to me.)

Marriages don't just end. They never have. There are things which lead up to their dissolution, things which can cause them to become taken for granted and things which can prolong them past their comfort level for children and friends. If you feel, in any way, that someone in your union is taking the other for granted (yourself included) then it's time for flowers, discussion and forgiveness. I don't know how many times I have heard about people who have said "It's alright" when you know dam well it isn't.

Friends and family depend on you as much as you depend on family and friends. In any case where a sudden calamity is forced on another person whom you know no one is going to just walk away beacuse you tell them to without feeling resentment or betrayal. It's not healthy to be alone. It's not healthy to never cry, and it's not healthy to look for answers or reasons. People around you need to have the chance to figure out what happened and how to go on just the same as you. Wakes and rememberances are for those left behind. (Trust me on that one, too)

My prescription right now is to realize what you have and hold onto all of it for a moment. Give your family a big hug. Take a photo every day of someone you love, print it and keep it in an album so you can drag it out every once in a while and remember people and events. Talk or write to someone you haven't seen from in a long while. Shake yourself out of the duldrums.

oh... and you all should have a sunshiny day. Doctors' orders.

Gerry

Then you give yourself a shake and say, "What are the reasons my relationship would be destroyed over? Do they exist in any real manner?"

Being a couple of pig-headed, stubborn people who come from backgrounds that are about as different as one could possibly make them I face the same question fairly often. How do you reconcile the chronic "I can make it better RIGHT NOW" with the "if you don't look at it it might go away" attitudes? It is a work in progress :>

I sympathize. I haven't been married so long. The emotional investment is tremendous. And you have years before that to consider too.

You under estimate your own personal strength. Your sense of duty and responsibility. You see your previous life revamping and understandably project it into the way you would deal with the possibility.

But the factors in your life now are far more powerful, deeper, and incapable of changing with you. I think you might TRY to leave Dodge.

The problem with being able to revamp your life, as you've done before is that THEN you didn't know yourself so well as you do now. In revamping you were only finding new outlets to be YOU. All of you. The sort of abracadabra you are thinking about would not take into account that YOU, the part that remains regardless of circumstance, will not allow you to ignore it. Authenicity to your soul.

For example, you COULDN'T ignore daddyhood. Even if you tried, you'd thankfully fail miserably at doing so.

I too see things in these EXTREMES. The big horrible emotional issues are all black and white to me. Reminding myself that I am capable of balancing somewhere in the middle is a struggle, and reflects my deepest seated insecurities and self-doubts.

Those little emoting tragedy fantasies can become auditions for the future. I tell myself at first that I'm innoculating myself for the possiblity, but really I'm just doing a bad rehearsal for bad behaviour.

Call the fantasy back up, and do some awake lucid daydreaming. First, how you would deal with it without being untrue to yourself. Then do it again, with you and Mrs. M having some trouble and working it out in a loving manner.

I can't say these always work for me, but they do take some of the adrenaline rush away.

My poor friends. The things I do to you.

I need to stress that this is a TOTALLY FICTIONAL SCENARIO, a bit of self-indulgent self-analysis that frightened me because I had never gone into a situation that was this concrete, this NOT abstract.

I had to write about it because I felt that it was a very neat, scary place to be and I had to go there, shoot from the hip, honor the fear by getting it out there.

I'm fine, Marci's fine, we're all fine here, how are you? I'm sorry if I scared anyone. Although your insights are all appreciated, though Gerry's does seem a little obsessive.

And Brandi-- yup. Black and white extremes. I'm with you there. It IS hard to remember that the road HAS a middle. Right lane! Left lane! There IS NO MIDDLE!

M

I suppose my comments could have been considered 'obsessive' although I find that term a bit one-sided. Makes me sound like a person huddling in their apartment all alone, and terrified to go out because something might happen. Jeez, I only had fifteen minutes to write that before I stepped out for work. Rushing while writing things can make it seem more than it is, I guess.

Sadly, I have a bit of experience in a few of the things I mentioned. I have seen people lose loved ones, I have lost close friends, and I have seen the community of friends and families comfort themselves afterwards. I have also seen the aftermath of fueds without the gradual breakups. I just pop back in a few years later and discover the whole group of people i used to know are at each others throats, and not one person can give a specific reason why. Things can get blown out of proportion so easily.

None of these things were comfortable to see. I may have put too much into my comments because i know a few people who are reading your blog. Hopefully someone will understand what I am getting at with what I write.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Learn to recognize things before they come to a head, and be an incurable romantic if you have a sweet baboo. If I had a sweet baboo right now, I guess I would be obsessive about being a romantic. Is that so bad? 8^)

And I try never to forget my friends. I may not understand all the things which caused them to fall apart as a group, but I do still care for them the way I remember things way back when. Friends and acquaintances are the ones who will remember you and yours if anything happens.

They will always be there for you , no matter what, even if they don't realize it today. I would like to be remembered for something other than the length of my nose, is all.

Gerry.