A MALL DAY

As a male, I'm supposed to be allergic to shopping for anything other than the barest of life's necessities. My whole goal vis-a-vis commerce is supposed to be get in, get out, and get on with it. Whatever "it" is.

And I used to be like that. Please GOD let me NOT go to the mall unless I'm going straight to the arcade to lose myself in a flashing crescendo of beeps, blips and flashing lights.

Woo. Kind of dated myself there.

But this Saturday was rainy, cold, and pretty much miserable as far as the May Long Weekend is supposed to go. And my mom dropped by to take care of 15-month-old Peter for the day so, armed with a hundred dollar gift certificate to The Gap and the desire to hang out in the sweet Corporate Haven of Bliss that is Chinook Mall.

We met up with Marci's parents and had coffee, then separated and shopped. AND shopped. AND shopped. We began at The Gap, where I did my best Carson impersonation and finally ended up with two shirts, a cherry red and a popsicle blue, before sojourning on.

Met a cousin of mine at Old Navy. She used to direct voice talent at A Channel here in the city, and she is just freaky-fabulous. We have a coffee date for this week. Marci shopped for jeans, and I thought I had found the MECCA of cartoon-imprinted underwear, until I realized I was in the boys' 4-16 section and that adult men STILL do not wear cartoon underwear unless they're boxers.

Underwear fascists.

We went to see if Home on the Range, the latest Disney movie, was playing-- but no, it's gone out of theatres. And the theatres were PACKED. We're talking CHRISTMAS packed. As was the entire mall. But I laughed along with one lady in a line-up behind me-- we had all found something to do on a dreary day. We were suckling at the teat of Consumerism with Fancy Labels and we were loving it.

Saucy Bread Company for pizza pretzels. Spencer's Gifts browsing. Chapters. Starbucks. Warm glowy diffuse lighting instead of cold cloudy bone-chilling humidity. Buttery beige instead of grey. Manufactured and Filtered vs. Raw and Untamed.

I popped into EB games and bought TWO used Xbox games. They were not only SUPER cheap but they were ten percent off, to boot. For the Xbox enabled among you, they were an adventure game named "Azurik" and the multiplayer standard "MechAssault." To Agent ACK: Me LIKEY the Poom Poom.

All told, I think we spent about five hours in the mall. Normally this would seem like a death sentence to me; I'd wonder how anyone could survive the cloying, recycled atmosphere that long, assaulted by the smells of marketing, manufacture and lies. But this Saturday, this rainy Saturday--hell, LIE TO ME, I said. Tell me lies, O Corporate Shills. You comfort me as the cold May rain cannot.

I spent Sunday playing Azurik. Once again avoiding the dreary weather and being immersed in my electronic fantasy world. Marci was out with Peter, so I had some "alone time," just me and my --what am I on now, three? -- third wife, the Xbox. Then Marci and I rented Secondhand Lions to watch. Haley Joel Osment is growing into a fine teen actor from a fine child actor. Robert DuVall and Michael Caine were fantastic. And hey, illustrations by Berke Breathed! It's a great coming-of-age film without being overly sappy, and with the injection of the two crazy uncles makes for a fun adventure tale as well.

Sometimes, being inside is just...so rewarding. God bless the Mall for being there in my hour of need. And my mom for allowing Marci and I the freedom to spend the day there. And Marci for giving me a quiet Sunday morning.

I feel so cozy.

Posted by Agent M at May 24, 2004 12:49 PM