Hey, you.
Mr. Hollywood Producer. Or Director. Or whichever one of you it is that makes gross changes to properties you option for the big or small screen.
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you.
I don't know what it is with you. And it's pissing me off.
Why, in the name of all that's holy, do you feel this...this NEED to change fundamental things about the concepts of the properties you decide to make films or TV shows of? Why?
One presumes you option material that you perceive a future in, a bankroll on, a sure bet as it were. Do you not think that if the property (story, script or comic book) is popular, that there just might be a REASON for it? So why CHANGE it?
All right, you administrative screwheads, listen up.
I just saw the season finale of Warner Bros' Birds Of Prey. I was very excited by this show, in the wake of the successes of X-Men and Spider-Man at the box office, I thought a TV series based on a hot Batman-universe comic series would just be AMAZING.
But no. It was not amazing. It was not incredible. In fact, it wasn't credible at all.
Let me draw your attention to the Harry Potter movies. These books were so hot, elevated to a level unprecedented in children's literature, that everyone involved knew they DARED NOT change anything. Anything different that they added was for visual effect or simply to give devoted fans a little more than just a straight book-to-movie adaptation.
Lord of the Rings. Have you heard of this? This is also a book-to-movie adaptation. And one that again, is so strongly, firmly mired in the minds of its readers that the production team didn't change anything except what was strictly necessary to adapt the property to a new medium.
Ralph Bakshi attempted his own surreal take on it in the early 80's and look how well THAT did. Does this give you a hint? The merest clue? DO NOT CHANGE WHAT IS ALREADY SUCCESSFUL. What a story or comic or plot is when you find it doing well, is doing well because of what it is. Who in God's name are you to fiddle with it?
So. Birds of Prey. It was a HOT property focussing on the women of the Bat-universe-- Oracle (Barbara Gordon, the former Batgirl), Batgirl (the new one, the young Asian girl), and Black Canary (Dinah Lance).
And for some reason, you felt you had to change that. You thought that you were smart. You thought you knew what you were doing.
How you believe you think at all is the greatest mystery to me.
You left Oracle alone, I'll give you that. You kept her story and identity exactly as it was in the DC comics. Good for you! That's what makes her interesting.
But then you bring in "Dinah"-- only she's Black Canary's daughter, and she's psychic?!? I can only assume you brought her in because you wanted the High School Crowd. Hey, guess what, moron-- the new Batgirl could be high school age. And she's Asian in the comics-- a cool ethnic-minority main character. Which would ALSO have brought the high-school crowd.
And then there's Huntress. In the DC Universe, Huntress is NOT related to Batman in any way, and is in fact the daughter of a Mafia family who has sworn revenge on organized crime in that area. She's a vigilante, a kind of antihero-- but she works with the Bat-team on occasion. She's NOT some tough-talkin makeup-wearin' METAHUMAN with a tongue piercing and a cockteasing attitude towards handsome cops.
You decided to make Harley Quinn the villain. Actually, that was pretty good. She's often the villain in the "girl-power" Birds of Prey comic. She and Poison Ivy make a good team.
But maybe you hadn't heard: Harley Quinn was created for the Batman Adventures CARTOON. She was a funny, quirky foil for the Joker. And she took over the hearts of the fans with her quirky Bronx Jewish charms. She was born a CARTOON-- and you turned her serious? Still crazy, but serious?
You took away everything that MADE her Harley Quinn (except for your few throwaway references to Mister J) and let her loose as a criminal mastermind. Hey, I'm not saying that character wasn't a good villain. I'm saying she wasn't Harley Quinn, which is who (I can only assume) you wanted for this story.
Also: You had Batman leave Gotham, presumably over his grief at having killed the Joker.
Batman would NEVER leave Gotham. That is a fundamental tenet of his character. He would never abandon it. He's fixated on it. You may have noticed over the sixty-some-odd years the character's been around, that he's a little OBSESSIVE.
So you've invalidated the story, emasculated Batman, and tarted up three sluts so you can have a Warner Bros. version of "Gotham Fashion TV with Superpowers?"
Screw, as they say, you.
Let me show you someone who's done it right: Smallville.
(Yes, Agents, I know I've mentioned Smallville before. That's because it's one of the best adaptations of a popular property that I've ever seen.)
Smallville has all the characters right where they should be, just as they are in the time-honored comic book history: Clark Kent, Ma and Pa Kent, Lana Lang. And they have done a fabulous job of making them modern WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR FUNDAMENTAL CHARACTERS.
They put Lex Luthor in Smallville. He didn't come along until later, but Clark needs a counterpoint and Lex IS an accepted Superman-universe character. AND THEY DIDN'T CHANGE WHO HE WAS.
They added two new characters: Chloe, the Lois-Lane archetype, is there to show us Clark's future and to create love interest for Clark and love triangles with Clark and Lana.
Pete is a new character-- but he's fairly seamless. He doesn't exist in any of the versions of Superman I've read, but he doesn't get in the way, relieves some of the Secret Identity tension, and most importantly: NO ONE HAD TO BE ALTERED TO FIT HIM IN.
D'you see where I'm going with this, Mr. Big Shot? Let me reiterate in small, easy-to-digest words for your tiny, tiny brain: If It Isn't Broke, Don't Fix It.
Don't interfere. Don't change stuff. Don't make things DIFFERENT. If something's good, don't screw with it.
Something else I want to say: Never, never go for the quick payoff when you can have something that stands the test of time. Would you put Batman in a giant rubber suit with bulging muscles, nipples and a codpiece endowment the size of a bull's just to attract more people to the theatre to check him out in all his dark, hunky broodery?
...oh yeah, you would.
And look where THAT got you.
Wake up, Mr. Hollywood. If you want to adapt something to the screen, ADAPT it. Don't re-write it. It doesn't need it, we won't like it, and we don't want it.
I'm a father!
Peter Michael McAdam was born Saturday the 15th of February, at 10:15 pm. He weighed 9 lbs, 8 oz. He took immediately to breastfeeding, and is quite healthy despite being delivered by emergency C-section. He and mommy are doing quite well!
We had Marci induced Saturday at around 5 pm, and after 2 hours of observation they let us go out to dinner. Well, we didn't even finish the before-dinner drink before Marci had to be taken home, complaining of cramps. As soon as we got home, her water broke-- and so we went to the hospital, where after 10 minutes of checking her over rushed her to the operating theatre for the emergency c-section.
I watched behind glass in an observation booth, and was allowed in just in time for Peter to be born, happy as a clam though a little dry-skinned (he was overdue, after all) and held Marci's hand while they stitched her back up. (I also got a gooooood look at her insides; it was neat! Especially because she was anesthetized and really couldn't feel anything. :) The two new Grandmas, my mom and Marci's, arrived shortly after the blessed event and were there for pictures and a first cuddle with Peter.
I've already christened him "Monkeyface."
Marci had to stay in Hospital for three days, but is home now with Peter, and both are doing fine.
My GOD, I'm someone's DAD. And that's gotta be the fastest delivery I've ever heard of.
I'll warn you all now-- I'm NOT one of those "baby-geeks" whose whole life and blog will now revolve around my wee bairn and his every hiccup and bowel movement. This will be the last "baby-oriented" update on the M Files until something significant and worth my attention comes along-- as far as I'm concerned, it's just life as usual now. If I feel the need to rant, well--
--you know where to come to listen.
Peter after his ritual piercings, Day 3.
(Just kidding. For the REAL baby pictures, you can download them at http://www.twogargs.com/peter/Peter.zip ) Enjoy!
I was inspired by a fellow Agent, Agent ACK, to comment on Vulcans.
Good ol' Agent ACK signed one of his comments on a previous Rant thusly: Agent ACK-- who, thanks to Enterprise, thinks all Vulcans are BASTARDS...but that's ANOTHER blog-discussion.
Yes, yes it is, Agent. THIS blog discussion.
I assume some of you at least are following the latest Star Trek series, Enterprise. If you aren't, what are you doing on this pop-culturally-driven blog?
The thing about Enterprise that I've always liked is that it's dirty Star Trek. You can't just beam things away, run a glow-rod over a guy to heal him, or tap your left nipple to have your ship rain fire down upon those who would oppose you.
Enterprise is scary. Because you don't know if the aliens are good, or nice. You don't know if you'll survive going down to the planet, even if you're NOT wearing a uniform with red piping.
"Don't open the door! Is there even AIR here? You don't know!" --Sam Rockwell as Guy Fleegman, Galaxy Quest.
THAT's what I'm talking about. Yes, yes, I know it's still Star Trek-- but at least there's the illusion that more can go wrong than just the Holodeck taking over the ship.
And one of those things is the supposed "Allies" of our beloved Enterprise crew-- the Vulcans.
T'pol and V'Mir. What are THEY plotting, I wonder?
For a long time now we've known that the Vulcans are closely related to the Romulans, who split off from them to become one of the enemies of the Federation.
However, the Romulans were never to my mind fully realized as villains. They were subtle characters, manipulative, and degenerate in a way the Old Roman Empire was before it fell. I wanted to see more of that, but I guess loud brash blood-wine-swilling Klingons won out over the less sophisticated majority of the Star Trek audience.
However, my taste for politicking, subtle manipulation and out-and-out backstabbing has come to its full bloom in Enterprise's Vulcan characters. Screw the Romulans-- who needs 'em? The "helpful, wise and serene" Vulcans are the real villains of the piece.
Let's review:
The Vulcans, after discovering that Earthlings have discovered Warp technology, have according to the story done their best to retard the freedoms of Starfleet until THEY felt that Starfleet was ready.
Question: Why do Vulcans have any authority on Earth at all? How did THAT happen?
Archer discovers a secret spy installation under a Vulcan monastery, which the Andorians destroy. Archer gets blamed for destroying a precious ancient landmark, and the Vulcans focus on that rather than the fact that they've actually defaulted on a peace treaty between themselves and the Andorians.
Question: Hey, who disciplines the VULCANS when they cut out of line? We here about Archer always being in danger of having the mission cancelled, but what about when it's the Vulcans who are at fault? And is this a REAL snow-vulcan, or a cleverly-disguised spy installation?
And just lately, the Andorians request Archer to help negotiate a peace between them and the Vulcans-- and the Vulcans are all pissed off. Hel-LO? Oh, right-- it's peace on YOUR terms, no one else's, right? Once again, who's watching over these guys?? Klingons, Schmingons-- I'm surprised the Vulcan Star Empire of Logical Rule hasn't been kicking the sector's ass already.
Question: Who watches the point-eared Watchmen?
And finally (although I could go on!): One of their own officers, T'Pol, catches some dreaded Mind Meld Disease and what's their response? To destroy her career and send her back to Vulcan in shame. And you can tell what they greater thread is, here: They're hoping all those telepathic Vulcans will kill each other off and just die, and they'll be rid of the problem. Draconian? OH yeah. But logical, right?
Question: Who's gonna save the Vulcans from themselves?
(Oh, and the Vulcans have the audacity to show up at a planet that Archer is on, possibly in trouble, and brag that their sensors are better than Enterprise's. Once again, Hel-LO? I thought they were SHARING technology with Starfleet! But no, I've got to rein this in.)
I can understand what's pissing off the Vulcans. Archer and his band of ragtag humans who barely comprehend the first thing about DNA sequencing are off making FRIENDS, strengthening their position in the sector, while everybody hates those smug point-eared scum.
It's pretty obvious to me that the Vulcans think they're using Enterprise to explore areas they can't be bothered to, and come to heel when they're told. Before the series is out, we're going to see some fireworks, oh YES we are. Somebody, somewhere with pointed ears is getting pimpslapped. Because they're not going to stop pushing until someone stands up and points the finger and says, loud and clear: "ALL VULCANS ARE BASTARDS!"
And everyone turns around and realizes that it's true. Take that, you point-eared Machiavellis. After all, an ass-kicking when you're a bastard isn't just deserved--
--it's logical.
I'm about to be a father.
It's imminent, impending, about to become reality, factual, for sure. Even as I type this, Agent M2 (Mrs. M) is sitting behind me, rubbing her belly like some female Aladdin who desperately wants the six-pound Genie OUT of her.
So naturally, my thoughts turn to childrearing.
Dear God, please don't let me become one of those people who suddenly throws away everything they believe in to become some textbook Ward Cleaver wannabe in an effort to raise the Perfect Child.
A cousin of mine used to be a fan of South Park, horror movies and general off-colour humour. Now after the birth of his children (three at the time of this writing-- but thank god, he's figured out what's causing it), he thinks South Park should be taken off the air in case one of his children might SEE it.
To which I patently told him to stuff his head in a toilet and flush repeatedly.
What is it with people-- new parents, I mean-- who suddenly decide that everything they used to like is just not fit for children's consumption? And by extension, that you shouldn't be allowed to view it either? It's not enough for them to ban their own children from watching South Park, for example-- the show should be taken off the air completely so that no other child could possibly watch it and damage their fragile little psyches.
Now mind you, I'm reasonable. I'm not gonna show my kid The Exorcist when they're still in diapers. But do I think the movie should be taken off the shelves? HELL NO!
Y'wanna know why? Because it's not the world's responsibility to take care of my child; it's mine. I'm not about to go whining that some show on TV was not suitable for children and should be taken off the air, when I'm the parent who should have been in control of what my young, impressionable offspring was watching. Yeesh.
You have your freedom to do whatever you want under the law, and I'll have mine, thanks. Which includes child-rearing. And that's not a freedom, that's a responsibility. God, why does it seem that so many of today's parents are afraid of that word? YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT CHILD, and its interaction with the world. What goes into its brain, what comes out of its mouth.
Likewise, if your kid is running around annoying the hell out of every adult in the room, it's also your responsibility to teach that kid some manners. Inside voice, honey. Like that.
But that's not really where I want to go with this rant. No, this rant is about my fear of how children today may turn out in the future; to illustrate, I'd like to post one of those "email lists" that make the rounds, which started me thinking about this whole childrearing deal:
"As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
"Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.
"Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
"We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and
when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to
town as a young kid!)
"We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
"We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
"We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No
cell phones. Unthinkable.
"We played dodge-ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got
cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from these
accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us.
Remember accidents?
"We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned
to get over it.
"We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were
never overweight.........we were always outside playing.
"We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one
died from this?
"We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all,
99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular
phones, Personal Computers, internet chat rooms,............... we had
friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a
friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in
and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent!
"By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! Without a guardian. How
did we do it?
"We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and
although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes,
nor did the worms live inside us forever.
"Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
"Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for
any reason.
"Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. There was no one to
hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
"This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure,success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all."
Whoever wrote this is bang on the money. The paranoia-- and I'm not exaggerating when I use that word-- of parents today over their precious little children falling over dead from the slightest germ, cut or wound; using interdictory time-outs instead of a good old-fashioned spanking; passive psychological babble instead of a well-placed "No, you may not."
What is UP with that? I don't WANT that for my kids. I don't want to become one of those parents who communicates with their kids out of a magazine rather than actually listening and perceiving my child as an individual. Rewards for good behaviour, consequences for bad. It used to be fairly simple. But now...now?
Now everything is weighed, analyzed, sterilized, and wrapped up in a bright white package with a neat little label rather than actually perceived and dealt with. It's like no one trusts themselves to be parents any more!
Folks blame the Internet, which as we all know contains nothing more than porn, and most of that is kiddie porn. So we have to get rid of that. Oh! Oh! And video games; they're too violent so they have to vanish completely. And hey! Don't forget those objectionable books. To Kill a Mockingbird has black people depicted as slaves in it. That's gotta go.
In fact, why don't we just cut to the chase: We don't want anything going into our kids' heads that we didn't put there ourselves. Only we're too busy to be doing all the putting. At the same time as we're trying to POSSESS the kids, we seem to want someone else to teach them everything-- but only in a way in which we approve!
Don't even get me started on the hamstringing emasculation of teachers in our society. I swear I want to blow up the PTA. Not the board of education, just the parents.
And this is a world I'm entering?? I'm going to be One Of Them? Please GOD, no. Don't let me become like them. Let me have my child and love my child and most importantly ACCEPT that my child will occasionally learn, do or say things I don't like, and let me deal with it as an adult. Because, and this is most important... in my relationship with my future child, I WILL BE the adult.
If only all the other parents were, too.